Today I sent off the girls' life insurance claims and some other paperwork. I feel...weird. I don't have a word to use to express what I'm feeling.
I had to wait to file their life insurance claims and student loan paperwork until I got the death certificates. I had to wait for the coroner's hearing to get the death certificates. I finally got them Saturday and mailed everything off today. Seeing it in black and white - (long silence)
I guess I'm the kind of person that, in order to deal with something like this, I focus on the logistics and legalities of the situation. More analytical than emotional. Now, don't think I'm cold and robotic about this because believe me, I've got all kinds of emotions going on. So, maybe to deal with the swirling cosmos of anger, hate, disbelief, sadness, depression, shock, loneliness, frustration, and all feelings related thereto, I've been concentrating on the paperwork. Planning the visitation and the funeral, contacting family, contacting the schools and doctors and insurance companies - that all got me through the first couple of weeks.
I finally got the thank-you notes sent out last week. That was hard. The days following their deaths are kind of a blur, so seeing a sympathy card or a note or flower card made me remember, "oh yeah, he/she was here," or "oh, those were pretty flowers." I still have a few left that I need to find addresses for, but the majority of them are sent. (And all of the plants I kept are still alive, which is an accomplishment as well).
So what am I waiting for now? I thought I'd feel a sense of relief or closure, but I don't.
I wonder if the person at the life insurance company or the student loan company who processes the paperwork will realize how wonderful the children behind the piece of paper were in their oh-so-short lives.