Monday, September 29, 2008

Spinning Wheels

Did you ever have the feeling that you're running very fast but still stuck in one place? Yeah, me too.

There are so many things going on in my life right now and not one of them show any signs of being resolved any time soon. If you couple that feeling with the general stress of dealing with said scenarios, that explains why I'm short-tempered, pouty and generally in a bad mood.

I'm trying to shake it, by looking at the positive. For example, I've cleaned out my closet in anticipation of possibly moving, so now I can find things. Maddy has cleaned out piles of junk from her room. My kitchen has never been cleaner. My bathroom closet is organized. These are good things, proof that I have accomplished something. I feel better, thinking, yeah, I can do this.

Then I look around at all I still have to do and I get panicky. Wash the windows, clean the gutters, paint the deck, go through the junk in the basement, finish cleaning out Maddy's old room, go through the playroom - GAH!

My good mood is now completely undone.

I've tried deep breathing, I've tried going to my happy place, I've tried wine.

I know there are other bigger factors at work here, the biggest of which is that it's been nine months. In the time it took me to have my babies, that's how long they've been gone from me.

The holidays are looming around the corner. I wasn't a huge fan of them before, and now they are just another in-my-face reminder of happy families and fa la la effing la.

The next few months are going to be hard. I'm going to try to hang in there, but I can't do it alone.

So before I get too far gone in my pit of despair, I want to take a second to say thanks to those of you who help me get through every day by making me laugh, reminding me that I still do have blessings to count, and just being there.

15 comments:

Ladybug said...

I am praying for you guys. The next few months probably will be rough emotionally.. but you are so.. strong & you will be able to get through it.

There are so many people thinking of you & praying for you!!

Anonymous said...

Hang in there. My prayers are with you.

Sally said...

Kim, my thoughts and prayers are with you and Maddy. There are lots of people out here giving you cyber support. We're here for you! Hugs.

Melody said...

I will be here if you need a lunch date, a martini, or a good chick flick - you know where to find me. Love ya girl - Mel

KBO said...

Hang in there! We're thinking of you.

KBO said...

Hang in there! We're thinking of you.

My Life My Life My Life said...

and you lady, are a blessing to us. a reminder to love hard now because, no....nothing is promised. Gigantic hugs coming your way.

Stephanie said...

I have been reading your blog for sometime now and just thought that I would let you know that you and your girls are always in my prayers. I will say them doubly now.....

Meesh said...

You know you're amazing. Both you and Maddy. I don't know how you do it. We are all here for you.

(((HUGS)))

MamaB said...

I will just add my vote to the Kim is awesome crowd. Your strength and ability to get out of bed everyday no matter how down you are is inspiring. You touch so many peoples lives by what you write and how you carry yourself. Keep your chin up, take one day at a time, and know that there are people all across the country thinking of you and Maddy everyday!

MaLeah said...

I will definitely be thinking of you and Maddy over the next few months. I know this must be so hard for you (actually I won't even pretend to know). It must just really suck for lack of a better word. But, even though we've not ever really met, you seem so strong through all of this. The love you have for Maddy is very apparent in your photos and I'm sure she appreciates all the time you spend with her like going to the Jonas Bros concert and the Cardinals games. I am sure you are right that the holidays will be especially hard. It will be sad not getting do do the things with your daughters you used to do. Maybe you and Maddy could pick the thing that each of your other girls liked best about the holidays and do that together this year, making it a special day for the two of you to remember your daughters. Did one of them really like decorating the tree? If so, have a tree decorating party and invite their friends to bring a special ornament that reminds them of your girls in some way. Take a photo of each ornament and also have that friend write down on a piece of paper why they chose the ornament and what funny or sweet memory it makes them think of. Put all that in a scrap book and then every Christmas you can decorate a special tree just for your girls and feel like they are part of the celebration. If your daughters were half as funny and spunky as you, I'm sure they loved the holidays and would want you to continue to enjoy them too! If you just don't think you are up to it this year, take Maddy and do non-holiday things that are fun to do together. Above all, know that you are entitled to be upset and grieve the loss of the holidays with your girls. But, you have all of us to remind you that you still have tons of great things in your life, namely Maddy and your hubby-to-be! If you ever need to vent, feel free to do it with me!

jill said...

The first year the holidays are so hard to get through, I wish there was something I could say that would make it easier, but it just sucks, This will be the third Christmas with out my Ellese, and it does get easier.

Jaelithe said...

I will be thinking of you over the holidays.

I'd love to have you and Maddy over to my house sometime during the holidays. Just say the word.

ygirl01 said...

Anytime you need Joanies pizza and a beer....or a trip to the ol' Dr. Zghvegas(??)....you know where to find me....love ya,

Lisa said...

I have so much admiration for you. You are one strong chickie, you know that.

And between you and me? I kind of wish sometimes we could see through people to what's really going on in their lives. I think we'd realize alot of that "happy family" crap is just an act for alot more people than we realize. Then maybe we wouldn't feel so alone, ya know?