Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Looking for Control

I'm desperately seeking some control in my life. (I'm also seeing control for my flubby midsection so I'm not all lumpy in my wedding dress, but that's another story).

As a card-carrying member of the Control Freaks Club, the last 18 months have been pretty hard on me. Obviously I had no control over someone killing my daughters, nor have I had any control over the courts and their schedules. Although the dates are set, there is always the possibility of rescheduling. I had no control over my job being cut, and I've had no control over those who call me in for numerous interviews, only to be still sitting here with no job. Or even any control over those who never acknowledge that I've applied for the job they advertised. That is frustrating with a capital Eff.

As much as I would love to be a go-with-the-flow kinda gal, it's hard to change a lifetime habit. I am trying really hard to be less screech-y when things don't go the way I meticulously planned. I feel that I've made a little progress, but oh my sometimes it is so hard to just let it go and keep my mouth shut and remember that it's not all bad. I have so many blessings and life really doesn't suck all the time.

So I find myself being even more detail-oriented (or anal, if you will) than normal. My dime-store psychology degree tells me that my overwhelming need to organize my cupboards, pantry, closet and desk are my ways of asserting a little control over my life. Or maybe I'm just tired of looking through a jumbled-up mess for what I want.

3 comments:

Marie said...

Dear Kim--Unfortunately I am all too familiar with that "control all at all costs" concept. I am also painfully aware of how little control we actually have over anything that really matters. 4 years of watching my daughter go through cancer treatments only to die anyway makes me realize that tidy closets and organized pantries are little consolation. But we do it anyway...

A Buns Life said...

I do the same thing....it's ok. Just don't try to control the people in your life...it will bite you in the rear. :)

Zip n Tizzy said...

House cleaning therapy. It's something.

I know you choose how to phrase your blog, but I am always impressed with the way you handle the challenges in your life. It may not always feel this way to you, but you always seem to remain very upbeat and positive, and it really shows in how well Maddy has gotten through all of this with you.