Wednesday, September 23, 2009

If I'm So Happy, Why Am I Crying?

For the last couple of weeks, I have been an emotional basket case. I'm weepy by nature anyway, but sappy commercials, sad stories, and even certain music are causing me to cry like a little girl.

Case in point - I was watching Dancing with the Stars last night, and started sobbing when Kelly Osborne ran across the dance floor to hug her dad. And then when I saw Sharon - I lost it. I'm tearing up while I'm writing this. I want to tell me SUCK IT UP YA BIG BABY!

I know that's it's probably all due to this wedding thing coming up this weekend, and the emotional cocktail I've been swimming in is finally catching up to me. (Mmmm, cocktails).

On one hand, I'm all happy and in lurve and looking forward to getting married to a great guy who has been my rock lo these last couple of years. On the other hand, planning a wedding is great fun overall, but my gawd the details can kill your buzz faster than you can say "chocolate fountain" (which we aren't having - white dress + melted chocolate + klutzy bride = dry cleaning nightmare).

And yes, I know, I shouldn't get bogged down in the minutae and but should focus on the big picture. However, certain things must be addressed, like who is sitting where and what are we eating, and we might want to pick a song for the bridal party dance.

Of course, the fact that not only will I be missing some important members of my family doesn't help with the waterworks.

I miss my mom a lot, but lately I've missed even more. She never got to see me get married. Brian and I eloped, and then we told our parents. When we went home to introduce her to her new son-in-law, she told me she had an eye doctor appointment the following week, because her eyes were starting to see double images. She received her MS diagnosis a couple of weeks later.

We didn't have a close relationship when I was a teenager, but after I was married and had Jessica, we began to get close. She told me about her childhood, and how it shaped her and affected her parenting. Having a child of my own, I began to appreciate how hard raising a kid can be. She apologized for her actions, and I apologized for not being a good kid. And then she was gone. Five years after her diagnosis. The MS attacked her brain and never relented.

So on Saturday morning, I will pin her wedding ring inside my dress as my something old, spritz on a little of her signature scent, Chanel No. 5, and walk out with my dad, missing her but knowing that I am the daughter she can finally be proud of.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Breaking News

The trooper's criminal trial date of November 2, 2009 has been postponed to March 22, 2010.

I'm disappointed that it is being continued, but am trying to take comfort in the fact that it's not continued into April or May, considering the holiday season is fast approaching.

I haven't heard if this will affect the civil trial date of October, but my Magic 8 Ball would probably return the response, "All Signs Point to Yes."

But what can I do about it? Absolutely nothing.

In the meantime, we'll remember the good times.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

And, We're Back

Last week wasn't as bad as I expected. Quite frankly, it was a waste of lipstick. The line of questioning had very little to do with Jessica and Kelli. It was almost as if the deposition was scheduled just so it could be checked off a list. It was very frustrating, and I can't believe I burned a day of vacation for it.

There are some other actions starting to churn, but nothing concrete right now. Again, very frustrating.

So, I move on and look ahead to the near future.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Responsibility and Chocolate

I am sitting at my desk, staring a piece of chocolate goodness. I haven’t opened the plastic container, but it appears to be a brownie with chocolate frosting, drizzled in white chocolate and topped with crushed Oreos.

I don’t know why I bought it. I don’t want to eat it.

Actually, I do want to eat it, but I know won’t enjoy it. I bought it on an impulse, a fleeting hope that eating it would make me feel better. It might, for a brief few moments. After that, I’ll be beating myself up over it.

I’ve been doing so well with not gorging myself on random food, but being conscious of what I eat and when and why. Craig and I have been walking a lot, and we just joined the gym. I feel better, I’m sleeping well, and I like that I’m seeing results, both physically and emotionally.

I am an emotional eater, but I don’t always overeat. Sometimes I don’t eat at all, or limit my eating to just what I need to get through the day. When I’m nervous, I eat. Right now I’m in overeat mode, and I’m fighting it.

I’m not nervous about the wedding, at least not yet.

Tomorrow I have to convey to an Assistant Attorney General for the State of Illinois how the deaths of my daughters have shattered me. How it has affected every facet of my life.

Tomorrow I have to describe how I have struggled with anger, grief, depression, rage, sadness, emptiness and loneliness, among others. I have to illustrate Jessica and Kelli with words – their personalities, their lives, their impact on the world, and how that world is so diminished now.

I go in there tomorrow to tell this attorney that not only did I lose my daughters, but so did their father. Their siblings lost sisters. Their grandparents lost grandchildren. Family, friends, teachers, employers, community members –I am the representative of everyone who has been changed by their deaths.

I willingly shoulder this responsibility and welcome the opportunity. I know can do this.

It still makes me nervous.

I have to do them proud.

Friday, September 4, 2009


My good friend Melody just got a job, after being out of work just about as long as me.

Our offices are now fairly close to each other, and yesterday we were making lunch plans for next week. We decided to meet on Monday.

Today, we realized that Monday is a holiday. This tells you how long we've been out of work.

I'm looking forward to this 3-day weekend, as I really don't have any big plans. I mean, I have things I want to do, but I don't have anything I need to do. I'd like to plant some mums, but I don't have to. I'd like to clean out my closet, but it's not necessary.

I feel like I've been packing my days to the limit, trying to check off everything on my list in the short time I'm alloted. But is it really an accomplishment if I'm exhausted and cranky?

So this weekend will be time for me to recharge and regroup, and do what I want to do, instead of telling myself I have to.

What are your plans?

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Settling In

*Note - I accidentally posted this on my Marriage 3.0 blog, so if you read it over there already, excuse the repeat.

I'm starting my third week of work, and I feel pretty comfortable here. Luckily there haven't been any more, uh, incidents, shall we say? I also found the stairwell that goes to all the floors.

The basic job requirements are similar to what I've done before - type, answer the phone, make travel arrangements, etc. - but the industry is much different. The terms and acronyms that I hear bandied about in my area are still mostly a foreign language, but I'm picking up on them slowly. When I hear something that I can translate now, I'm pretty proud of myself. Lame, perhaps, but it makes me feel a little more connected to my job.

My commute is also much better now since I found a shortcut to work. Part of my drive winds through a beautiful residential area, and although I'm only going 30 mph, I'm constantly moving instead of sitting on the highway in traffic trying to avoid being hit by the other drivers who furiously change lanes in the hopes of finding the lane that's moving.

Jessica had a theory - roll down your car windows and turn up your favorite song, and let all your troubles fly out the window. On my drive to work now, I can open my car windows and sunroof and let out my troubles and let in the fresh air and sunshine on the way in to work. It puts me in a good mood.