One of my favorite movies is Chicago. Jessica bought it for me when it came out on DVD. She said "you're gonna love this, Mom." And I did. The story, the dancing, the singing - amazing stuff.
Although my favorite number is Cell Block Tango, I am becoming a bigger fan of I Can't Do It Alone. Because I know the feeling.
The last time I watched it was Thanksgiving night, 2007. Maddy and I got comfy in my bed, put in the DVD, and sent Kelli goofy text messages while she was upstairs getting her hair ready for her dad's family pictures the following day. Around 11pm, Kelli came down to watch Cell Block Tango, her favorite part. I told her that her hair looked nice, and she said thanks, and then she said good night and went upstairs to bed. That was the last time I saw her.
I haven't watched it since. I couldn't. All it did was remind me of that day.
A couple of weekends ago, I watched it again. I was okay. Sure, I thought of Kelli during Cell Block Tango, but it was all good.
After Jessica and Kelli died, I found myself avoiding certain movies, music, books, even stores. Too many memories. Every once in a great while I'd try to stick it out instead of changing the radio station, but crying while driving isn't a good idea.
This year, I knew I needed to start steeling myself against those emotions. The trials are looming and I've got to be strong. These next two months are going to be hell.
I've got an incredible family and numerous friends who will be there with me, whether in person or in spirit. I can't do it alone, and I'm blessed that I don't have to.