Parachuting Without A Net

Losing a Friend

2012-01-23T20:56:00.000-06:00

Back in June, I met a woman named Sue Ann. She worked for a construction company, and I met her when I went through the model home. Craig and I had been discussing the possibility of building a house, and as I was out scouting locations, I came across this subdivision. Sue Ann welcomed me that first day like an old friend, told me to make myself at home, and answered all my questions. I remember telling Craig how nice she was and that she was just one of those people that you click with.

A couple of days later I brought Craig and Maddy back to see the house and the neighborhood. When Sue Ann met Maddy, she told her about all the kids that lived in the subdivision. She told us that she kept popsicles and water in the refrigerator for the neighborhood kids, and that she was on a lot of parents' emergency contact lists for school pickups. She remembered that I had mentioned Maddy's love of basketball, and told Maddy about a girl in the neighborhood who was close to her age that also played basketball. She made a point of getting them together so Maddy could meet her and be introduced to some of the other kids.

The subdivision had a lot of the amenities we were looking for - land, mature trees, remote setting but still within the acceptable 10-15 minute commute to Target and Schnucks - but what really sold us was how Sue Ann represented that neighborhood and the company. Sure, we'd found some other areas that fit the parameters, but we felt "at home" here. And so we started construction.

As the house building process went along, Sue Ann was on top of every last detail, remembering things that we had mentioned months ago, keeping us on track of when it was time to pick out lights, or brick or floor. She was always happy to take my phone call, and never made me feel like I was bothering her when I was asking about yet another detail on the house.

She also became my friend. I introduced her to Houzz and she introduced me to Pinterest. We talked about kids and husbands and shoes as much as we talked about lighting fixtures and wall colors.

Before the last fundraiser this past July, I asked her if she would mind putting up a flyer in the office. Not only did she put up a flyer, she made three floral arrangements for the auction, and she made me pineapple pins to sell. She couldn't make the fundraiser but she called me the next day to see how it had gone, and to ask when the next event would be, because she was putting it on her calendar so she wouldn't miss it. She also asked for and wore one of our pink bracelets, and told me that she no longer talked on her phone in the car.

When we had the memorial blood drive in November, she put up flyers and even convinced her boss to come by and donate blood. She was a breast cancer survivor - 10 year survivor thankyouverymuch - and couldn't donate but she was doing all she could to get others to come donate.

In December, shortly before Christmas, we stopped by to check on the progress and drop off some homemade candies and cookies. She welcomed us with hugs and she told me she was working on a wreath for me to put at the girls' graves. I had been talking about the grave blankets I wanted to make, and so she decided to make a wreath to go out there as well. She said she had found some great dragonfly fabric but she wasn't happy with the pineapple fabric, so she was sorry it wouldn't be ready for Christmas, but she'd try to have it by Kelli's birthday on New Year's Day. She also had a New Year's baby, so she always remembered Kelli's birthday. I was so touched, but I was beginning to realize that was just her nature. She took so much pleasure in making other people happy.

She also said that she had some news for us and I immediately said "don't tell me you're quitting?!?" She said that yes, she was retiring but she was going to wait until our house was done in April. We would be her last house.

She told me that she had been thinking about it for over a year, praying for guidance, because she loved her job and her "families" (as she called us and the others that had built houses with them) and had been with the company for over 15 years, and it was a hard decision, but she wanted to retire and spend more time with her grandbabies, one of whom was just born November 22.  She said that she had followed the story of Jessica and Kelli from the time of the crash, and had read about my activism and how I was taking a horrible situation and changing laws and making a difference. She said that when she met me and heard my name, she knew who I was and that I was an inspiration to her. She also said that the more she got to know me, the more she thought I was her sign, and she knew that it was the right time to make her decision. I laughed and said if I was the answer to her prayers, she better keep asking, and we both laughed. Deep down, however, I was pretty humbled that she thought so highly of me.

She knew that this was not only a house to me, but that it was also another way to remember Jessica and Kelli. I'm always looking for ways to incorporate little things that remind me of them. She loved my idea of a custom stained glass transom over the entry door that would have a pineapple, dragonfly and frog (for Maddy), and was helping me find an artist that could do that.

When our floor trusses went in after Christmas, I was out there taking pictures of the progress. The floor trusses have the date and place they were manufactured. As I took pictures, I realized that my floor trusses are dated 11-23-11. I told Sue Ann about it, and she said that it gave her goosebumps, and she said that my girls were still with me.  I told her it made me laugh because it just seemed like something they would do - I couldn't just have one or two trusses with that date, oh no, every dang one of them all the way across the basement. Go big or go home - that's our motto.

Later, she told me that she had called the contractor to make sure he cut a section with the date for me to keep before they were all installed. Which was just another example of how she always thought of others.

This morning our builder called me and I answered the phone with, "ok, what did I go over budget on this time?" Instead of laughing, he said no, that's not why I'm calling. Just the tone of his voice told me that it was bad news.

He told me that Sue Ann had suffered an anuersym on Saturday and had passed away on Sunday. She never regained consciousness. She was 54.

I only knew her mere months, but I feel like I've known her longer. She was one of those people that is always positive, always smiling, that you can always count on for a laugh and a hug.  It's just not fair that she's gone. I'm so sad for her family and for that brand new grandson that will never know firsthand how amazing his grandma was.

I hope Jessica and Kelli find her and they have a laugh over the trusses.

Thank You

2011-11-08T12:41:00.000-06:00

Two small words that are so easy to say yet so easy to overlook.

A phrase that sometimes is all you have to convey mass amounts of gratitude but just can't find anything else to say.

I say it now to those who came to the blood drive last night and helped us collect 24 units for the local Red Cross.

To everyone who supported and continue to support all we do to keep the memory of Jessica and Kelli alive with scholarships, blood drives, fundraisers, tree planting, education, advocacy, and whatever else I can do to make sure these young women are never forgotten.

To the officers who listen to me present my story in hopes of changing the way they approach responsive and pursuit driving.

To those who are working to rename a section of Interstate 64 for Jessica and Kelli.

To everyone who ever sent me a picture of Jessica and Kelli, or told me a story, a memory, a moment about them.

To those who have stood by me when I was my at my highest and at my lowest.

To those of you who take a few minutes of your day to read my ramblings.

Finally - to those who served our country, and continue to serve, and the families that have lost loved ones who paid the ultimate price in protecting our freedom.

Thank you. So much.

No, I Wasn't Abducted By Aliens

2011-09-26T22:04:00.000-05:00

I last posted TWO months ago. Where the hell did that time go?

Well, let's see - I got a job. After six months I came out of "retirement" to do a temp job at a law firm. An original timeline of 4-6 weeks has turned into almost two months.

Maddy made her school softball team. The season ended last week, and now basketball tryouts are next week. It never ends, I am beginning to realize. She's loving school, loving sports, and doing really well adjusting to junior high.

We still aren't completely finished with the legal rigamarole, but hopefully that will wrap up in the next week or two and some projects that have been on the back burner can come to a full boil. I'm excited about getting Kelli's scholarship rolling and meeting the recipient of Jessica's scholarship.

I've got some speaking engagements lined up beginning next week, and I'm honored to have been asked to speak at Jessica's alma mater of SIUE.

We're creeping up on four years since they were killed. I read a quote today - "Everything will change when your desire to move on exceeds your desire to hold on." (Allen Cohen)

I just wonder if it's possible to do both.

Another Successful Fiesta!

2011-07-28T09:03:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I dropped off $4,030 at the Greater St. Louis Community Foundation. That's a nice chunk of cheddar for the scholarship funds.

I couldn't do it without the support and generosity of everyone who donated time, money and talent. It was a great evening, and if you didn't make it this year, try to join us next year. We always have a blast!

Final Preparations

2011-07-20T14:58:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, Maddy and I ran all over getting the final bits and pieces for the fundraiser on Saturday. We got the table covers, centerpieces, picked up donations, finalized our wardrobes and swiped my debit card until it screamed "no more!!"

In my frantic running amok, I managed to leave a bag of picture frames at the store - luckily they were holding it for me. I tore up my house and car looking for them last night. My house is Fundraiser Central right now - the guest room and dining room currently house the donations, five boxes of tote bags are in the foyer, my living room chair has the centerpieces, and I'm using my couch as a printer stand. It's a mess but it's a good mess.

I was stressing for a few days over the food, but we got it worked out. We'll be enjoying fabulous barbecue from Bully's Smokehouse - their garlic mashed potatoes are sooooo yummy. The Brinley family is so awesome - please check them out next time you are in Columbia, IL or Edwardsville, IL.

We have over 35 separate silent auction items, ranging from Cardinals tickets, overnight stays at the Westin St. Louis, Hilton At The Ballpark, and Moonrise Hotel, an autographed hockey stick from Al MacInnis, gorgeous handmade floral arrangements, wine baskets, dog obedience classes, handyman services, Bath and Body Works products, haircare products, Yankee candles, photo sessions, sports memorabilia and an autographed photo of Tim McGraw.

I am really excited about Maddy's contribution. She had the idea to frame some of her her botanical photographs and use them in the auction. The kid has an eye for this stuff, I'm not even kidding. The photos are fantastic in their color and detail. She takes them with my Canon point and shoot, but somehow she manages to take better pictures than I do with the same camera. It's a gift, I guess. She wants to be a photographer when she grows up. I think she's got a good start.

Here's one of my favorites:

The raffle tickets have been a HUGE success! We don't have many left so if you want a chance to win a 40" flatscreen Hitachi HD TV, leave me a comment. Tickets are $5 each or 5 for $20.

Tickets are still available for the event on Saturday. Just show up at the KC Hall in Collinsville IL and in exchange for a $20 admission, you get the aforementioned bbq dinner along with drinks, dancing, and a chance to bid on those fabulous silent auction items.

If you can't make the event but want to donate, you can send a tax-deductible donation to the Greater St. Louis Community Foundation - just indicate "Jessica and Kelli Uhl Memorial Foundation" on the memo line of your check.
All our proceeds benefit the Jessica and Kelli Uhl Memorial Foundation, which funds a scholarship in Jessica's name at SIU Edwardsville and a scholarship in Kelli's name through the Collinsville Education Scholarship Foundation.

On a daily basis, I am overwhelmed by the support and generosity of the community. So many individuals and businesses have supported our efforts, and we are truly grateful.

(Semi) Wordless Wednesday

2011-07-13T09:00:00.001-05:00

I'm up to my elbows in fundraiser preparations (invitation here), so in the meantime, here's a few photos showing what Maddy has been up to during her summer vacation. Sadly, school starts for her in about a month.

She played softball

She rocked at basketball camp (with the proper shirt)

She went to Silver Dollar City

She went boating, tubing and jet-skiing

She went swimming

We've got some other fun stuff planned for the next month. Stay tuned!

Happy Camper

2011-06-22T10:00:00.001-05:00

Maddy has been at one camp or another three of the four weeks this month. In order of appearance, she's had a school-sponsored basketball camp for a week, a week off, then a week of softball camp, basketball camp at SIUE, a local college. this week, and she will finish up the month with three final days of school basketball camp.

All her camps have been day camps. Except for this week, all the camps have ended at noon. Her camp this week runs from 9am to 4pm. It's a long day but she's having a good time (so far, it's only Tuesday). She said she's enjoyed them all, and I think her skill set has improved also.

I didn't mean for her to be camped out for an entire month - they all just happened to fall that way. She really enjoys playing softball and basketball, and she'll want to try out for the teams once she starts junior high in August (excuse me while I try to process that my baby is out of elementary school). The more exposure she and her mad skillz have to the coaches of the teams the better she'll perform at her tryouts. She's a kid who does well with a little bit of familiarity.

This week she was apprehensive about the SIUE camp. It's held at the college, it has about 50 girls attending, and she wasn't going to know anyone there. I told her at least she'd have something in common with the others - they all loved basketball, right? I got the "yeah whatever, mom" look. Ah, it starts - the end of my days as the smartest person she knows.

Sunday night she was planning her wardrobe. I'm glad she's taking an interest in her appearance but I'm also thinking, it's basketball camp - shorts, t-shirt, socks, shoes - what's to plan? She showed me her ensemble and I said "it's lovely. Now go to bed, you have to get up at 7:30am."

As we walked into the gym on Monday and crossed the floor, one of the coaches saw us, pointed at Maddy and said "ok, we're going to have a problem. . ." Maddy's face turned ashen, I'm trying to think of what we could have possibly done in the 3.6 seconds we'd been there, and then the coach continued ". . . with your shirt." I looked at Maddy and realized she was wearing her Saint Louis University t-shirt. To a camp at Southern Illinois University -Edwardsville. Epic. Parenting. Failure. Luckily the coach laughed it off, and Maddy was immediately christened SLU Girl. Hey, there are worse things to be called. And she made an impression - no way she could hide in the crowd now.

I assured her that she would not be expelled from camp and promised to stop by the bookstore on my home and get her the proper collegiate apparel. I even bought a shirt, just in case, and made a mental note to not wear my Texas Longhorns shirt.

Today Maddy wore her new SIUE shirt. And she bought some SIUE shorts at the camp store also, just for good measure. As she was paying, one of the other coaches came up to me and said that Maddy's wardrobe faux pas wasn't so bad - apparently a camper showed up in an SIU-Carbondale shirt today - SIUE's archrival.

Sartorial screw-ups aside, she's really enjoying these camps, and I'm so glad I'm able to be there to take her and pick her up and hear how her day went, what she learned, who she met, and how much fun she's having.

We Put the FUN in Fundraiser!

2011-06-17T13:13:00.000-05:00

The third annual Jessica and Kelli Uhl Memorial Fundraiser will be held on July 23, 2011, from 7pm to midnight at the KC Hall in Collinsville, Illinois. A $20 donation gets you dinner, dancing, and access to silent auctions, raffles and other door prizes. So far we've gotten donations of St. Louis Cardinal baseball tickets, autographed sports memorabilia, handmade quilts, wine baskets, overnight accomodations, and we hope to have more great prizes and services donated by local merchants.

We are also selling raffle tickets for $5 per ticket or 5 tickets for $20 for a chance to win a 40" HDTV. Leave me a comment if you'd like to purchase tickets - you do not need to be present to win, and I'm happy to mail tickets to you if you aren't in my local area.

This event gives friends and family of Jessica and Kelli a chance to come together to celebrate their lives. It also gives us a forum to raise awareness about safe pursuit and response driving, and the dangers of distracted driving. We also have a lot laughter through tears, which is the best emotion.

Past events have raised thousands of dollars which in turn have funded the Jessica Uhl scholarship at Southern Illinois University-Edwardsville, and the Kelli Uhl Memorial Scholarship fund. Jessica's scholarship has had two recipients, and Kelli's scholarship will be awarded to a graduate of the Class of 2012 from Collinsville High School, which would have been Kelli's graduating class.

You can RSVP and purchase tickets online here. If you'd like to donate items or services for our silent auction or raffle prizes, please either leave a comment or email me at kim @ jessicaandkelliuhl.com. If you cannot attend, you can still make a tax-deductible donation by mailing a check to the Jessica and Kelli Uhl Memorial Foundation in care of Kim Schlau, 9 Harvest Point, Collinsville IL 62234.

Hope to see you on July 23!

22

2011-06-04T09:00:00.001-05:00

Today is the 22nd anniversary of Jessica's birth. Can I still call it her birthday if she's not here?

You know what sucks? Trying to buy a birthday card for a young woman who will never read it. Trying to find a birthday card that says, "I love you, I miss you, I'm sorry that your life was cut so short when it had such possibilities, oh, and yeah, it's your birthday but you aren't here." Hallmark could make a mint if they had that card line. Hell, I could write it.

I was holding on by a thread today in the store, trying to buy a card that I could take to her grave tomorrow. I have tried to look at the birthday cards days, weeks, even months before her actual birthday week just so I don't have to try to not have a meltdown. It doesn't work. I never can find what I want, and I keep thinking I'll keep looking and find the perfect card. Well, it didn't happen this year.

As I'm perusing Hallmark for other cards (a couple of weddings and Father's Day), I'm reading all these cards that say best wishes, hope your dreams come true, you have a bright future, etc. Yeah, not exactly the sentiment I'm looking to convey today, thanks. Finally, I find a card with a picture of a young girl wearing oversized sunglasses outlined in rhinestones, and on the inside it says "you're too extraordinary to have an ordinary birthday." That's the closest I'll find to the sentiment I'm trying to express. I take it, and head to the register, knowing I've got about 25.7 seconds before I go into meltdown mode.

I hand over the cards and ask for a happy birthday balloon. "Oh, those are in the back of the store, you can go back there and pick one out." Fan-frakin-tastic. Do you not see I'm teetering on the edge of a full-on crying jag? So, I head to the back, find a balloon, and pray that the helium is on supercharge because I'm not sure how long I can last. As I'm distracting myself from sitting down on the floor and sobbing, I hear the overhead music start playing Fergie's Big Girls Don't Cry. I had to laugh - it's like she's just screwing with me sometimes, you know?

Balloon in hand, I pay for everything, get to my car, and start it to cool down (it's 100 degrees here today, folks.) I'm thinking of a song I can post for her birthday, and the radio starts playing Tupac's California Love. I just have to laugh again, because we used to crank this song and just sing along - yeah, I know, we're white girls but dang it was fun.

I manage to make it home with only a minor crying episode, and then when I got home I let it out. Damn it, you'd think it would get easier but it just seems to get harder on certain days. I can ignore it for a while but when it rears its ugly head it knocks me down so hard.

As much I love Tupac, I think I'll share this song with you. I have always loved this song, and now it reminds me of Jessica, in the line about being a bird and wishing you could fly fly fly. When she was little she loved Forrest Gump and would do the Jenny line about "dear God please make me a bird so I can fly far far far from here."

Funny how you can look at song lyrics after something significant happens and think damn, that's exactly how I feel. Especially the line about being a "troubled soul weighted to the ground - give me the strength to carry on until I can lay my burden down."

You've got your wings now, Jess - fly fly fly.

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor

2011-06-01T09:23:00.000-05:00

I recently had the opportunity to write a sponsored post for Gatorade. I had to participate in a conference call with Stephanie Hamm, then write a post about being the mom of a sporty kid. I figured it was a good way to earn some money that I can put towards the upcoming fundraiser for Jessica and Kelli's scholarships (more on that this week!)

So, please click this link to read the sponsored post and leave a comment for a chance to win a $100 gift card to Dick's Sporting Goods!

Graduation

2011-05-23T09:57:00.003-05:00

This past weekend was graduation for our local high school. It made me remember Jessica's graduation four years ago. The night before, she was home because none of her friends were going out (she said it was so they could "rest" but I think it was because no one wanted to risk getting in trouble right before graduation). I was getting things ready for her party and she was following me around, asking to help, because she was so bored. She even played games with Maddy before she just couldn't take it anymore. "I need some excitement, I'm so boooooored!!"

I realized I'd forgotten to get cups, so I tossed her my car keys and told her to run to Walmart. As she drove off, I realized that she was driving with an expired license plate (I had the sticker in the glove box), a blown tailight (the bulb was in the glove box too) and all the beer was in the trunk. I called her and told her to drive carefully. As she started to yell at me I said hey, you're the one who wanted excitement. Luckily Walmart was pretty close, so she made it without going to jail.

Jessica would be graduating college this year, assuming she had all her credits and didn't switch majors halfway through. Would she have stayed in this area or would she have found a job in Chicago, New York, or halfway around the world?

Kelli would be finishing her junior year this year, and we'd be starting to research colleges and scholarships and all that fun stuff. Her scholarship fund will be ready to go soon for someone (hopefully more than one) from her graduating class to use for college. I wanted her class to be the first recipients.

I don't know what she'd want to be - would she still want to be a vet or would she have discovered some other path in life? Would she want to go to school close to home or would she have gone away?

Maddy says she's going to stay close to me, and when she graduates she's going to move back in with me. We'll see if she still feels that way in six years. I tease her that we're going to give her a U-Haul for a graduation present, but I know once she moves out I'll just cry.

Ok, So Next Project!

2011-05-04T19:39:00.004-05:00

I knew it had been a while since I posted, but I couldn't believe it was last on April 13. I have literally aged since then - I had a birthday. We also celebrated my husband's birthday, a wedding, a cutie-patootie's first birthday, and I went to Chicago and met the US Secretary of Transportation, Ray LaHood.

I also had my first Ikea experience while I was up there, and I got mousetrapped in the store. Seriously, I had to ask a worker how the hell to get out. And then I wound up walking through more fantastic stuff and found a galvanized steel lantern that was perfect for my patio table. So it wasn't all bad. I am planning a return trip and looking into U-Haul rentals. It's probably a good thing it's four hours away.

But I digress. It was great to attend the FocusDriven summit and meet Secretary LaHood along with members of the Illinois legislature, other families who have lost loved ones due to distracted driving, and the lovely Jennifer Smith, founder of FocusDriven. She and I have talked on the phone and emailed so much over the past year I kind of forgot we'd never met face to face. I am excited to begin working with her on law enforcement education.

My next big project is the upcoming fundraiser for Jessica and Kelli, which will be held Saturday, July 23 at the KC Hall in Collinsville, from 7pm to midnight. Maddy suggested the theme of Green Earth - to support Jessica and Kelli's belief in recycling, sustainability, and respecting the planet.

Mark your calendars!

Signs

2011-04-13T14:01:00.005-05:00

The State of Illinois now posts roadside memorial signs for victims of reckless driving. I applied for a sign for Jessica and Kelli in January. Just as I was finishing my post about leaving Springfield without their law being passed, I received a phone call from IDOT telling me their sign was up. Perfect timing.

The sign is actually posted on Illinois Highway 158, not on the interstate. If you take I-64 east to the Highway 158 exit, the sign is posted just before the I-64 Westbound exit. This is the overpass where they were killed. The sign couldn't be placed on I-64 as it's a federal roadway, so the State put it as close on a state highway as they could.

Next goal - renaming the interstate between Mascoutah and Highway 158 after them. It just so happens I'm going to meet with the Secretary of Transportation next week in Chicago, so I'll ask him how I go about getting the highway named for them.

Spring Has Sprung

2011-04-12T09:29:00.005-05:00

Certain things say "Spring" like no others - daylight lingers past 6pm, the smell of fresh cut grass, pops of yellow, pink and purple as the flowers start to bloom, sleeping with the windows open, and trading in the boots and loafers for sandals and flip flops. Another event that means Spring to me is the start of the baseball season. This year, Craig and I went to Dallas for the Rangers opening day. My Uncle Tony lives there, and he's been asking me for years to come partake in the festivities. And it was festive, let me tell you. When you start at 9am for a 3pm game, you can't help but have a good time.

(From left: my cuz's wife Rhonda, cuz Brent, Uncle Tony, Craig and me!)

I enjoyed our lovely spring weather yesterday as I took a road trip to Springfield for the House version of the workers' compensation legislation. The Senate passed their version last week, and now the House is working on their version. I toyed with the idea of wearing a skirt, but it was a little windy yesterday and I didn't need it flying over my head, so I wore pants with a more trustworthy zipper.

(The view from the Gallery. Gorgeous chandeliers.)

I met with my Representative and he gave me a brief rundown of the process. I headed up to the gallery to watch Government In Action. About five minutes later, my Rep came back and told me that he had been asked to pull the bill for further amendments, and asked me if I was okay with that. He said he could go ahead and present it, but chances were good it would be voted down. I was disappointed but I want this bill to be done right, so I agreed that it be delayed.

I was in a bit of a funk as I headed home. I popped in my Purple Rain soundtrack, opened the sunroof and windows, put on my new sunglasses and sang along. Jessica always said when she was in a bad mood she would let the wind blow through the car and it would blow her troubles away. It was pretty good advice, because I was in a better mood when I got home. However, I have been able to move forward on another front...tune in tomorrow for the story on that.

Class and Poise

2011-03-29T20:32:00.011-05:00

I had lunch with a good friend recently. We have been friends for over fifteen years. We've worked together and we've played together, and suffice it to say we've had our share of laughs over the years. I won't go into great detail, but I will say that we used to bowl together, and beer was our dinner on those nights. We also ran up a close-to-three-digit bar tab, just the two of us, for my birthday, and a sombrero was nearly killed that evening. Ah, good times.

During our lunch, she told me that she was proud of the work I'm doing, and that I show class and poise in my interviews. I was touched and flattered, and then we both burst out laughing, because we both knew the real me, the one who drops her bowling ball, trips over sidewalk cracks, and is usually a klutz, even before alcohol is imbibed. I had to tell her that while I was in Reno, as I was leaving the podium after my presentation, I walked out of my shoe and almost fell on my face. In front of several big-wigs, of course. But that's how I roll, usually right down to the floor.

Remember when I told you about the workers' comp amendments I was working on? Well, I got a call last week, asking me to offer testimony before the Senate Executive Committee hearing held today. Then this morning, I got a phone call asking me if the provision could be called The Uhl Act. Of course I agreed, and then I hung up and cried.

As I was getting ready, I flipped on the TV and caught the last few minutees of The Birdcage - Robin Williams, Gene Hackman and drag queens. Get it on Netflix if you haven't seen it. Anyway, at the end, they all dance to We Are Family, and of course, that made me cry again, but it was a happy cry. I took that as a sign that my girls were with me, just like they were last year.

After getting to Springfield and through security without incident (shocking, I know, given my brush with airport jail), I met with the senator, and we headed up to the senate chambers. He explained that when our bill was called for discussion, we would sit at a table up at the front of the room, in full view of the spectators and senators, and after he introduced the bill, he told me I could say "whatever I wanted." Oh sir, if only I could, if only. But I decided to be a lady and not say something that would end in a trip to Legislative Jail. Look at me, with the class and poise.

Our bill is called, and we stand up and walk up to the aforementioned table. Fortunately, it's a short walk because as I sit down, my pants feel a bit loose, as if I have might lost a few pounds in the last few minutes, but no, nothing that amazing, my damn suit pants have come unzipped. I mentally slap myself upside the head, try like hell not to laugh, and send up a prayer of thanks that I didn't split the backside of my pants and that I can give the testimony sitting down. Class and poise - that's me all over.

After the bill was introduced and I gave my testimony, the amendment passed unanimously, and I managed to stand up, discreetly insure that my jacket covered my zipper, and exit the chambers without anyone pointing and laughing at me, without falling off my shoes, and without any other articles of clothing coming undone - a major victory.

I ducked into the ladies room and put myself back together, giggling to myself and remembering my friend's comment about class and poise, and knew I'd have to email her when I got home and share my stupidity. Funny thing - I had an email from her waiting for me. It's like she knew I'd have a story for her.

Here is the story in our local paper, without the wardrobe malfunction.

The Luck O'The Irish

2011-03-17T09:30:00.012-05:00

On this gorgeous St. Paddy's Day (sunny with a high of 75 today!), I consider myself very lucky in so many ways.

I get to wake up my little red-headed Irish girl in the mornings, and then instead of rushing off to beat the traffic, I can make her a yummy hot breakfast and enjoy it with her.

I am able to travel to law enforcement departments to tell them about Jessica and Kelli in hopes of saving lives in the future. Although Maddy wasn't able to go to Nevada with us, she did get to go to a conference that was held closer to home. We had actually stayed at that hotel before when Kelli did cheerleading competitions, and Maddy loved the pool.

But these are my three greatest lucky charms of all.

Making Change

2011-03-10T20:47:00.008-06:00

Last September, the trooper who killed Jessica and Kelli decided that he would file for workers' compensation. Apparently the Illinois workers' comp laws did not specifically preclude a person from collecting compensation even if the injuries received were caused by negligence on the part of the injured person. Isn't that a kick in the head?

I decided to call bullshnicky on that, and after doing a little digging on the State's website, I discovered that my local senator, William Haine, was on a special commission to reform the workers' compensation laws. I emailed him, told him who I was and why I was taking this personally, and asked him to amend the laws so that those who cause their own injuries not be allowed to collect benefits.

In the meantime, our local newspaper began reporting about potentially fraudulent workers' compensation filings. Apparently 389 employees at a local prison, 230 of which were guards, were all claiming injuries stemming from "repetitive trauma," and the State has paid over $10 million dollars on these claims. No wonder this State is in financial turmoil - apparently it never occurred to anyone to say "hmm, perhaps we should fix the problem causing this 'repetitive trauma.'"

Thankfully the paper was investigating the workers' comp process, because otherwise we would have never known that the trooper's hearing, (which is public, by the way) had been secretly rescheduled. Of course, by the time I was notified of the date and time, it was too late for me to attend, or anyone from the public.

During the investigation by the reporters, numerous emails sent by the arbitrator in charge of the trooper's case were discovered. The arbitrator was communicating with the trooper's attorney to move the trooper's hearing to a "special setting and an unknown place and time!" and then emailed her court reporter to say the hearing would be held "on the sly, with no press." The arbitrator also emailed her supervisor and said that "the media frenzy" was an "overwhelming thought" and had no idea "this guy's worker's comp case would draw such attention." Oh really? Let me tell you about "media frenzy" and "overwhelming" attention.

After I read that article, I again emailed Sen. Haine, and also emailed the Chairman of the Workers' Comp Commission, and included the link to the article. I also wrote a letter to my local representative, Dwight Kay, who was spearheading a resolution calling for a full forensic audit of the workers' compensation division.

My letter to Rep. Kay read, in part:

"I have also written to Chairman Mitch Weisz to express my extreme displeasure in the way that Arbitrator Teague has handled this case, specifically hiding the hearing from the public. If she was uncomfortable with the case and the "media frenzy", she should have recused herself instead of holding a hearing "on the sly." The family of Jessica and Kelli Uhl did not have a choice to avoid the "media frenzy" and all court hearings involving the civil and criminal matters were available to the public and to the media. I further implored him to take the necessary steps to ensure that this does not happen in the future, and that disciplinary action be taken against Arbitrator Teague...As a taxpayer of the State of Illinois as well as someone who has been personally affected by the actions of the IWCC employees, I hope that you are
successful in overhauling this system."

Chairman Weisz responded to me within 24 hours and assured me his office was investigating the claims. Sen. Haine's office thanked me for the article and told me they had passed along the information to the senator.

Ultimately the trooper's workers' comp claim was denied by the arbitrator, coincidentally on the same day that she was placed on administrative leave. The trooper has the option to appeal the ruling within 30 days, but so far we haven't heard if he has done so. The deadline is March 21.

Earlier this week, I was thinking that I hadn't heard anything further from the senator or representative, so I was going to follow up. Imagine my surprise when I received a phone call from Rep. Kay today letting me know that his resolution calling for an audit was being presented to the Illinois legislature today. He was disappointed that due to the late notice I would be unable to attend the hearing. He was hoping it would be heard next week, but it was moved up at the last minute. He did ask if he could read my letter into the record during the hearing, and I said "uh, hell yeah!" (Not really but my "of course" was said in a "hell yeah!" tone). He also stated that he hoped to begin work soon to amend the law, and he agreed with me that negligence should not be compensated, and assured me that I would have notice so that I could attend that hearing. The resolution passed 111-0.

Although I wasn't present for the hearing today, I hope to be when the laws are amended, and I can witness another positive result from my daughters' deaths.

Here is a list of all the articles the Belleville paper has written on this investigation.

What I Want To Be When I Grow Up

2011-03-01T10:26:00.001-06:00

I had a conversation with Maddy just before her birthday in January. She was talking about how she would be turning 12 the following week, and I was teasing her and said now that she was getting older, she needed to start looking for a job. Then she said to me, “Kelli was 13 when she died, and I’ll be 13 in a year.” I said, “Yes, that’s true” and wondered where she was going with this. “And Jessica was 18, and was in college to do that PR thing.” “That’s right,” and then I said nothing more, waiting for her to take the lead.

After a few beats of silence, she stated “I don’t know what I want to do when I grow up. Jessica knew what she wanted to do, and Kelli wanted to be a vet. I don’t know.” I said, “Mad, there’s no deadline. What you want to do now may not be what you want to do later. Who knows if Kelli would still want to be a vet.” We talked a little more about it, then I said “I mean, look at me, I’m 42 years old and I still don’t know what I want to do.” “But you have a job,” she said, and I replied “Yes, I have a job, but that pays the bills and buys us groceries. It’s not what I want to do with my life.” Then she asked, “What do you want to do?” and I said, “I don’t know. I used to want to be a lawyer so I went to work for them. Then I had babies and stayed home for a while, but I had to go back to work, and I just never got the time to go back to school.”

She thought for a bit, then she said “Mom, I think when you can quit your job, you should do more of that speaking thing that you do with the police. I think it’s important that they hear you, and you’re good at it. That’s what you should do.” Taken aback, I said “you think?” She replied, “Yes, I do. And if you quit soon you can stay home with me this summer, and I can go with you when you talk to them.”

At that moment I was schooled by an 11-almost-12-year-old. She was right – I miss out on a lot of time with her because I have to work, and now more than ever I am so appreciative of the time I have with my family. I also love speaking to the police cadets and field officers because I feel that it is important for them to hear about Jessica and Kelli, and it makes me feel like I’m doing what I wanted to do all along – make sure they aren’t forgotten and make sure that their deaths weren’t in vain and that I hopefully change an officer’s mind about how they drive and perhaps save a life because of that change in perception.

Maddy went with me last week to the Southwestern Illinois Criminal Justice Summit and saw me give my presentation to over 250 officers, my largest audience to date. Then she stood next to me as dozens of officers came up to us to express their condolences and to tell me thank you for sharing my story with them. I exchanged contact info with several of them and will be speaking to their departments as well. I thought it was important that Maddy see exactly what I did, and also to see that the majority of the police officers are not like the one bad example she’s had to hear about for three years.

On the way home, I said “thank you for going with me.” She said “thanks for taking me, I learned a lot. I cried a little but I don’t know if it was because of what you said or because I was thinking about them while you were talking. But I liked what you said.” “So this is what you think I should do with myself,” I asked her and she said “yep, I do.”

So, at the ripe old age of 42-almost-43, I know what I want to do with my life. This Friday is my last day of work, and then I will be home with Maddy, and also be available to speak to police departments about Jessica and Kelli. I have four sessions lined up already and am working on scheduling more. Maddy and I also have made a list of things to do this summer.

I am thankful that I have the opportunity to do this, and I am also very aware that it comes at a high price. However, I think Jessica and Kelli would be proud of me and the work that I do in their honor. At least I hope so. I know Maddy is.

Pics or It Didn't Happen

2011-02-16T08:53:00.006-06:00

**I have sooooo much to report but between being sick, other developments and that work thing, I haven't had a chance to put it all together in a coherent manner. Stay tuned!**

On Monday we went out for a family Valentine's Day dinner. Since the weather was finally decent, and because it was a special occasion, I asked Maddy to wear her skirt. You know, the one she last wore on the first day of school back in August? Six months ago?

Even though we were on the phone I could hear her rolling her eyes. I swear, getting that kid to wear something other than t-shirts and running pants is like pulling teeth. I know, I know, it could be worse - she could be wearing skirts that show her whooda-whadda and tight shirts that show the outline of her belly button. But honestly, is it too much to ask that she wear one of the non-sports-related pieces of apparel that we bought, with her approval? Please???

As I was getting ready, she came in to show me that she had deigned to do as I asked and was indeed clad in her adorable denim skirt. "Cute! What shoes are you going to wear?" I asked. "My black Adidas with purple stripes." "Why don't you wear your Uggs?" (I know - I despise them and rail against them but she's a) 12 and b) not wearing them with shorts). She says, "really? That would be okay? You hate Uggs." "Maddy, they look cute on you, just try it," happy that she's even considering something other than an athletic shoe.

She put them on and then exclaimed, "I need tights!!" and ran off to her room. I proceeded to do the happy dance right then and there.

As we were leaving, she put on her Reebok jacket (of course!), so I went to the closet and pulled Jessica's peacoat from the closet. I swear when she put it on she became taller, older and more beautiful. And I thought to myself "here's your future, dumbass. Dress her up and give the boys a reason to follow her home." Those Nike pants and t-shirts are looking pretty good.

And so, for one night, Sporty Spice became Posh Spice.

After dinner, she put on jeans and went sledding. When she came in she told me she loved wearing tights because they kept her butt warm and dry while sledding. Ah, there's my Sporty Spice - glad you're back, kid.

What a Difference

2011-01-28T10:01:00.006-06:00

Three years ago (!!) I wrote this post about Maddy's 9th birthday. There was a picture of her wearing one of her presents, a pink polka dot bathrobe.

Last week, she came in my room after her bath, wearing the same robe. Not surprisingly, it was considerably smaller on her than when we first bought it. I also happened to be going back through my blog, and had just re-read that birthday post. I showed her the picture and she laughed.

I had to take a picture just to see the side-by-side comparison of just how much she's changed in three years.

2008:

2011:

I see her everyday, but it's times like this that I realize just how much she has changed in such a short amount of time, and how much more we are in for in the coming years.

Turn The Page

2011-01-24T14:10:00.007-06:00

Last night I was finally able to sit down and read my book that I last laid eyes on over a week ago. After last week's bombshell, it was a merry-go-round of spreading the news to family and friends, holding a press conference* to give our reaction, and also managing to fit in the day to day business of going to work, doing laundry, getting Maddy to basketball practice, and shovelling out from under a foot of snow.

The past few days have been pretty damn hectic but in a good way. I'm still in a bit of a shock that it's Really Almost Over. The huge hurdle of getting the decision has been cleared, and now we have to wait, again, but this time we have a better timeline by which things should end.

Of course, I am still using the words "wait," "should" and "timeline" since there is no specific date I can circle on the calendar in hot pink as something to look forward to. We've been told the paperwork to appropriate the award has been submitted to the legislature for their Spring 2011 session, and that it is usually paid out in late summer/early fall. But after almost a year of having no deadline whatsoever, vague generalities are a refreshing change.

In the meantime, I'm making my lists. All the ideas and plans I've been kicking around for the past three-plus years will finally have a chance to become reality. The scholarships, the foundation, the crusade to raise public awareness, the ability to tell my story to officers and first-responders from around the country - I can do this now.

Speaking of speaking - my first opportunity to address officers outside my metropolitan area will be next month. I was contacted by the Nevada Department of Public Safety shortly after my Today Show appearance, and I'll be travelling to Reno in February to address not only recruits, but also career officers. I was also recently contacted by an officer in Dallas, and hopefully I can work with their organization in the near future.

I'm starting a new chapter in my book of living, and I'm pretty damn excited about it.

*If you would like to watch my 2-minute press conference, click here.

The Light At The End of the Tunnel

2011-01-19T09:00:00.001-06:00

For many people, November 23, 2007 was just another day. To me it was the day that delineates my life into Before and After. Before Jessica and Kelli were killed. Before our lives were upended. Before we were thrust into a role that no parent ever wants to play. Before we embarked upon this journey through a dark tunnel of sadness and despair, knowing that our beautiful daughters were forever gone.

For many people, January 18, 1999, was just another day. To me it was the day that my daughter Maddy came into this world, all 9 pounds 8 ounces of squalling little girl with spiky red hair.

And yesterday might have been like any other day for many, but for me it was not only Maddy’s 12th birthday, but the day that we finally got some light at the end of our tunnel. Today I got the phone call from my attorney that I’ve been waiting for since May 3, 2010. Today we received word that the Court had finally, after eight months and fifteen days of deliberation, reached a decision.

And just like I did on November 23, I experienced myriad emotions at once – shock, disbelief, sadness, and anger. Shock and disbelief that it could finally be over, sadness that the two of the people I want to call to tell my new won’t answer, and anger that we even had to do this in the first place.

But today I added a few emotions that I didn’t have on November 23 – relief, and a feeling that a bit of this weight is starting to lift off me. When I heard the news, I cried, but I think it was more along the lines of a release valve letting off pressure.

We still have a few hoops left to navigate, but now I feel like I’m holding the hoop instead of being the one to jump through it.

Nothing will ever make us whole again, but this decision gives us the ability to continue to fund the scholarships, to speak to officers and first responders about my daughters, to raise public awareness about pursuit safety, and to continue the good that I do in their memories.

To everyone who has attended the fundraisers, donated blood, conveyed their sympathy, thoughts and prayers, whether in person or through this blog, I am forever grateful for your support.

People ask me how I do it, and I usually reply “Vodka.” But that’s just my inappropriate humor at work – I get through this because I have such strong support from my family and from my friends, whether we’ve ever met face to face or not.

Any Excuse for New Shoes

2011-01-11T14:49:00.001-06:00

On January 1, like millions of others, I decided that this year would be different. I was going to lose weight, eat better and exercise more often.

However, I can’t just say that to myself and expect to be successful. I need to be held accountable. I need someone (or several someones) to encourage me and push me. The last time I went public with my fitness goal was the Met Square stairclimb in March 2009. I trained with a friend and walked all 42 flights of stairs in a respectable time of 11 minutes. That’s also the last point I remember where I’ve really felt good about my body and my level of health. I’ve gained 20 pounds since then.

When I was younger, I hated running. When we had to run in gym class, I’d usually forge a note from my mom that I should be excused because I had malaria or something exotic. No, not really, but I wanted to.

Now I find myself, dare I say it, enjoying my time on the treadmill. I like watching the display show me how long I’ve ran and how far I’ve gone. I like setting the incline up high and working my badonkadonk. I know there are running purists who say running on a dreadmill isn’t the same as running outside, enjoying the fresh air, etc. Well, to you I say baby steps, people. I’m currently working on running for 15 minutes without slowing my pace to walk, and upping my pace from a 22 minute mile. Hell, I can walk a mile faster than that. Besides, there is snow on the ground and it’s cold outside now. Let me get to a point that I don’t embarrass myself before I go public with this running thing.

And so, because I can’t just run in my basement alone, oh no, I committed myself to running the St. Patrick’s Day 5 mile run in March. Oy. Vey. I was hoping for a 5K to start but as my running buddies pointed out, it’s just 1.8 miles more, piece of cake. Mmm, cake…

So! I have running buddies, I have a training sheet and I have two months from tomorrow to work up to this. I can do it. I want to do it. I feel good about it. Here I go!

If It Makes You Happy

2011-01-07T14:22:00.002-06:00

After yesterday’s disappointment, I wanted to do something to shake off the bad and make me happy again. My first thought would normally be shoe therapy, but my wallet is pretty thin after Christmas, and a certain red-headed child has a birthday in a couple of weeks, so I have to fund her party, AND a present or two. The things I do for her, I tell ya.

Cooking makes me happy, so I decided to make a nice dinner, complete with dessert. I decided on chicken marsala, fettuccine alfredo, garlic bread and red velvet cake for dessert. From start to finish it took about 45 minutes, including the cake, but it was a mix. Yeah, I went quick and easy, but it was still delish. But if you want the recipes for the chicken and past, pop over here to that cooking blog I started, oh, about a year ago. You can even be jealous of my pasta pot that I got for Christmas.

Another thing that makes me happy is my little red-headed girl, because she says the funniest things sometimes, generally when she’s not trying to be amusing. As I was watching Reality Bites, she happened to wander through the living room. She watched for a bit then asked “when was this movie made?” I said “in the 90s, why?” Incredulously she asked, “Wow, they had Pringles back then?” I said “it was the 1990s, not the 1890s!” She replied “well, I didn’t know when they were invented!” Yes, Maddy, Pringle technology is cutting edge stuff.

Later, were talking about Star Wars, and she said “you know where the guy says ‘Luke, I am your faaaaaaather?’ Well, for a long time I thought he was saying ‘Look, I am your faaaaaather.’ I never understood why that was a big deal. Then last year I got it. ” Oh honey, you are so precious. Please never stop making me laugh.

And today this made me happy - THE BEST NEWS EVAH!!- the Star Wars movies are coming out on Blu-Ray DVD in September! Wheeeee!! I cannot wait and yes, I have preordered mine on Amazon (but only the originals – I don’t get into the prequels), and yes I am a geek. Just ask my husband – he tells me all the time. For example, we were talking about Star Trek and how the futuristic technology on the TV show has actually inspired a lot of our current gadgetry. I was getting into the conversation and I started to talk about how warp worked and whether we could ever experience it, and he interrupted and said “are you really explaining that to me?” “Yes, I thought you wanted to know.” He said “no, not really. You’re such a geek.” And then I hit him. But he still makes me happy, even though he thinks I’m weird.

Of course, you know shoes make me happy. Today I am featured on Jodifur’s Shoe Friday. These are the only flats that I own. I looked forever for flats that didn’t have bows or tassels on them. I figured if I was going to wear flats, they better be bad-ass, because that’s what I am – a bad-ass. ::commence all 10 of my readers to burst into hysterical laughter::

And now I’ve made you happy. My work here is done.

A Different Approach

2011-01-06T09:37:00.007-06:00

Over the past months, I have written several posts expressing my feelings about the lack of a decision in our court case. Generally I have written those posts mere minutes after I receive the news that there will be no news. Generally I am very angry at that time. Generally it takes me a day or two to rebound from the news, even though I know in my heart of hearts that I shouldn't let it get to me, I'm strong, I can survive another month of waiting, I've got a great support group, I've got vodka, I'll be okay. Eventually.

Today I'm writing before I hear the news. Maybe doing something different will help us get a different answer today.

The last time the court failed to come to a decision was December 6. We were told the next meeting was January 6. That's today.

After being devasted in December, I made a decision. I was not going to waste the next month worrying about it. I told myself that I could worry when I woke up this morning, and not a minute sooner. I even envisioned seven men and women in black judicial robes sitting in a room, and I imagined myself closing the door on that room and walking away. (Whether or not I stuck my tongue out at the door and made immature gestures as I left is between me and my brain).

The holidays helped to distract me, but it was harder to keep centered this week. However, when I found my thoughts wandering toward that door, I pictured it closed, double locked and barricaded. And I mentally walked away (calmly, with dignity and class. Kinda.) Amazingly enough, my chest pains ended up being fewer and far between over the past month. Survey says - Stress!! For the win!!

This morning, I allowed myself to open that door. I was nervous at first, but it quickly went away. I felt calmer this time. I had a few chest twinges, but by the time I left for work, I felt okay. I won't lie, I'm a little edgy. But nothing I can't deal with.

Famous last words, right? OMG! while writing this just now, my cell phone rang. I always take it out when I get to work, and put it on my desk on vibrate and of course today I forgot and it's playing Linus and Lucy at top volume and I know it's in here SOMEWHERE!!! AHA!- wait, who the hell is this - a frakin telemarketer. Are you kidding me? Great, I just dumped my purse on the floor under my desk for a sales call. So much for the do-no-call list - thanks a lot, Bin Laden.

I emailed my (incredibly patient, supportive and understanding) husband today and told him that I had been nervous but would probably wind up being pissed off by the end of the day. I also said I kind of wished I just started off pissed, because that's probably where I was headed. He replied that he didn't know if it was because he's getting used to the situation, but he wasn't expecting to be upset, that if anything he would be surprised when they made their decision.

And maybe that's where I am too. And it scares me, because as much as I'd like to say "whatever, court dudes, call me when you're ready," it makes me wonder if I don't care anymore. And I don't want to not care, because I do care, and I don't want to do my kids a disservice by becoming complacent about this. As much as I know it's not personal and tell myself not to take it as a personal attack when the court doesn't rule, I'm sorry but I do. It hurts, and it makes me angry that they are disrepecting my children by putzing around. It makes me angry that the trooper will probably get a ruling on his worker's comp case before we do. It makes me angry that we even have to go through this hell, and every month we're discovering a new and exciting circle of hell while we wait.

The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. I don't want to be indifferent to this. I hate this waiting.

ETA - just got word. No decision again. Next meeting is February 10.

Neglect

2011-01-05T15:34:00.002-06:00

'Tis the season to neglect, apparently, since I intepreted the term "holiday" to mean "eat an entire bag of peanut brittle in one sitting," or "forget to include vegetables in your diet," or "put on your exercise pants because your jeans are too tight."

I'm an equal opportunity neglector. I didn't just neglect my health, oh no. My furniture is currently being protected from winter's harsh cold by an nice layer of dust. I think my carpets are being shielded in the same fashion by dog hair.

With the cold and snow, I've been wearing boots and closed-toed shoes. When I get home, I wear some of my new fuzzy socks*. Therefore, if I don't see my woefully chipped toenails, they don't exist, right?

I see epic house cleaning and a pedicure on the horizon.

Last night I realized that my rubber plant is down to one leaf. One. I overwatered it last month, and then as I let it dry out, I forgot to water the other 8 plants in my house. After I remedied that situation, I heard them sigh with relief, and then they thanked me and asked if I could kindly remember to give them a drink more often, to hell with the drowning rubber plant. I am a bad plant mommy.

So, like millions of other people, I resolved to eat better and exercise more. So far so good. But it's only Wednesday. Baby steps, folks. However, I already feel 100% better than I did during the last few weeks, but maybe it's because I got over my cold or maybe because I survived another Christmas, another birthday for Kelli, another month without my two blondies. I start another year, hoping that we will get a resolution sooner than later.

All I Want For Christmas

2010-12-21T15:17:00.002-06:00

I don’t remember making a Christmas list as a child. I don’t remember my mom asking me what I wanted, and I don’t remember seeing any advertisements on TV and hollering “Mom, MOM!! Come see hurry up this is what I was telling you about it’s the coolest thing ever MOMOOOOOMMMM!!” That may also be due in part to the fact that when I was a child we had four channels, only one of which – PBS – showed children’s programming on a daily basis. Also, once Mr. Rogers was over I was booted off the TV so my mom could watch Dinah Shore and Another World.

My parents (and by that I mean “my mom,” because my dad was always just as surprised as we were) always made sure we had pretty cool gifts mixed in with our practical ones, like socks and underwear. I carried on that tradition with my girls, because it was usually the one present I’d let them open on Christmas Eve. I love being a mean mommy.

Last week as Maddy was trolling the interwebs looking for new and exciting Wii games to add to her Christmas list, I jokingly asked her at what point she might ask me for my Christmas list. As I gave her a few ideas, she asked that I email her the list and then she and Craig would go shopping.

So, here is what I asked for:

Fuzzy socks. As much as I love shoes, I hate wearing them around the house. Slippers make my feet sweat. I also have a strong redneck streak and tend to wander around barefoot, even in the winter. And I don’t like wearing just socks without shoes. Consequently, my feet are always freezing. So, one year Craig bought me some hot pink soft fuzzy socks and I love them – they are warm without making me sweat, comfortable without making me feel like I’m wearing socks, and I can run outside to the garage without putting on shoes. However, I only have one pair right now, so I’d like more.

Star Trek Movies or TV Episodes. I am unabashed in my love for Captains Kirk and Picard, and all things Enterprise-related. I would love to have the original TV episodes, and need to buy the movie DVDs. As there are so many, I thought this would be a good suggestion that could also be used for Valentine’s Day, my birthday, Mother’s Day, Arbor Day, etc. I’m considerate like that.

An Oval Pasta Pot. I saw this on Rachael Ray’s show, and then I found one that matches my existing cookware. It’s an oval pot so when you cook long pasta, such as spaghetti or fettuccini, you don’t have to a) stand there while the water is boiling and slowly smush the pasta into the pot or b) break it in half. Genius! One more thing I wish I’d invented.

Philosophy Bath Gel. I am running low on my pineapple coconut bath gel, which smells so delish and reminds me of summer. I suggested either the margarita or the daiquiri scents. However, since this requires a trip to the mall, I doubt I’ll get it.

Earbuds. Because I am a dork, I cut the cord of my earbuds with my three-hole punch. I know, I know, you’re wondering how in the world I managed that? Well, first, I am a dork, and second, my desk was crowded and as I was punching holes in documents to put them in a binder, the cord got hung under the paper and with one pass of the punch, they were in two pieces. Now I have to listen to my co-workers.

And that was it. So, what was on your list?

Scrooged

2010-12-20T15:24:00.004-06:00

I’m not a huge fan of The Holidays. Yeah, yeah, I know – It’s The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year. Sometimes the forced frivolity, the Christmas carols that have been playing since October, the decorations that have been in the stores since August and the incessant commercialism all makes me stabby. Maybe it’s because I’m older, or cynical, or I’ve just had too damn much loss between November and January. However, I am a private Scrooge – I don’t begrudge those of you who get a kick out of all of this, and besides, I have a child who doesn’t need to be influenced by her mother’s Bah Humbug-ness.

I wasn’t always this way – I was young and happy and carefree once upon a time. I started my Christmas list in January, and counted down the days until it was Christmas morning. My favorite gifts from my childhood were my two bikes, my Barbie Dreamhouse, and my Holly Hobby doll made with love by my mother, complete with a matching dress and bonnet in my size. As I got older, I remember getting the Saturday Night Fever album (my dad was into country - thank God my mom was a disco fan), and every year a bottle of Love’s Baby Soft.

I like buying gifts for my family and friends and finding things that they don’t expect. I like taking easy-to-guess gifts, like CDs or DVDs and wrapping them in a way that makes it hard to know what’s in the box. I like matching the bows to the paper, and making ribbon curls.

I love the original Christmas TV specials, like Rudolph, Frosty and Charlie Brown, my favorite. Linus’s recitation of What Christmas Is All About still makes me tear up a little, even after 40 some-odd years.

I nag encourage my husband to hang the outside Christmas lights, which makes him laugh because I resist decorating the interior of our house until Maddy nags encourages me to bring up the Christmas boxes. He asked me this year why I was hounding him so much when I didn’t even like Christmas and I replied that I didn’t want to be That House – my lack of festiveness is a private matter, no need for the whole neighborhood to know I’m a freak.

I love the family time, even though it can be stressful to try to visit everyone in one or two days. We are lucky that most of my husband’s family lives close, and my dad is only a few hours away, so he’ll be able to drive up for Christmas Day. I’m cooking Christmas lunch this year and I’m using a retro menu. Coke ham, cherry jello salad, broccoli rice casserole made with Cheez Whiz – all the classics from my childhood.

I love the cooking and baking. I’ve given my mixer a workout over the past few weeks with sugar cookies, and I’ve made pans of fudge and peppermint bark. My pants still fit but I might want to visit the treadmill this week, just to keep them from shrinking.

I love midnight Mass – true midnight Mass, not this late afternoon/early evening trend that a lot of churches are doing. There’s something about the stillness of the world at that time of night – it’s even better if it’s snowing when you leave the church.

So, after writing all the things I do like about Christmas, maybe I’m not such a Scrooge after all. Shhh, don’t tell anyone.

Done

2010-12-06T14:01:00.001-06:00

I’m done. I’m so done. Once again, the Court met, and once again, they failed to issue a decision. What is taking so damn long? It’s been seven months since we wrapped the court hearing, and five months since the Commissioner issued his recommendation. I thought maybe, just maybe, they’d have a heart and give us some closure before the holidays. Nope, apparently it’s too much to ask for. Merry Christmas to us once again, without Jessica and Kelli, and without any end in sight to this court ordeal.

I don’t know how much longer I can hang on. I’m pretty close to the end of my tolerance.

Thankful

2010-11-22T14:12:00.003-06:00

With Thanksgiving fast approaching, people are expressing what they are thankful for during this season.

I am thankful that three years ago today, I had one last day with all my daughters. One last Thanksgiving that we were able to sit at the dinner table and enjoy good food and laughter. One last evening together when we sat in a darkened theater and watched Enchanted. As I looked down the row at Maddy, Kelli and Jessica, for a moment I felt that everything was going to be okay.

I miss them every day and even more so during the holidays. I have to remember to be thankful for what I have and know that they are still with us, in spirit.

Testing My Stress

2010-11-09T15:43:00.002-06:00

As a follow-up to my heart attack scare last week, my doctor requested that I have a stress test. Finally! A test I can pass without studying!!

The cardiologist's office called me last Tuesday evening after I left the ER to set up the appointment. I swore the nurse said to come in on Monday - however, when I showed up on Monday, they had no record of an appointment for me. Wow, the stress starts in the waiting room - that's great! So after some digging around, they found a file for me and saw that I had been called for an appointment but it wasn't in the system. However, they had an opening on Tuesday. Sure, I'll take another few hours off work, why not?

I had been told about the test from some past participants, and given some friendly advice, such as don't wear fleece pants as you will sweat your monitors off and don't fly off the back of the treadmill when they stop it. I have been practicing at home on my treadmill and have managed to stay upright and between the handles, so I was good with the whole not-flying-off. As for wardrobe, I decided to wear my yoga pants, t-shirt, sports bra, and running shoes.

I go back to the testing room, and the male tech tells me to take off my shirt and bra and put on this paper vest. Uh, hang on a second - if you're going to want me to run on that treadmill, I'm going to need to something a little more support in the boobocles area than a paper vest. People could get hurt, I'm just saying. I ask Mr. Tech if I'll be running and he says that I'll be walking quickly but won't be running. I think I can keep the twins in check if I just walk. Whew.

He sticks 12 monitors on me and once again, I'm wired up for sound to run some baseline tests. I swear I looked like the back of Craig's TV with all these cords and leads all over. Then he did an ultrasound of my heart. That was the most painful ultrasound I've ever had. He was jamming the sensor into my ribs and pushing my bones around - not fun. At one point he asked me to take a deep breath and hold it so he could get a good reading, but when he poked me pretty hard I had to gasp. He was like "oh, did that hurt?" That gel doesn't add a lot of cushion, dude.

Finally I get on the treadmill and keep up with the speed and incline. I was pretty proud of me, I'm not going to lie. After about 10 minutes the doctor says that they have the readings they need, so I dismount with grace and dignity. Mr. Tech did repeat the ultrasound process again, but this time he wasn't as pushy. Maybe my previous grimaces of pain clued him in.

Anyway, the doctor said it probably isn't heart-related, as I had a few twinges while I was on the treadmill, but they didn't show up in the readings. He did say my heart was strong and everything looked good, so I've got that going for me.

I'll follow up with my doctor soon, but I'm still having the pain. It's just frustrating to go through all these tests and still not know what the hell is wrong with me. Maybe my heart is just broken.

Anniversary Dinner

2010-11-05T09:00:00.000-05:00

I can't believe the third anniversary of their deaths is in 18 days.

This year we will mark the day with a buffet dinner at Ravanelli's Restaurant in Collinsville, on November 23. Stop by anytime between 6pm to 8:30pm. A $5 donation will cover your meal.

Three years - it just doesn't seem possible.

But Enough About Me

2010-11-04T11:08:00.016-05:00

My last several posts have been All About Me, so I'd like to catch you up on what my fabulous child, Maddy, has been up to. Let's recap:

Over Labor Day, we went to Oklahoma City to visit my cousin who was very seriously ill, but has since made a fantastic recovery. We stayed at a lovely hotel with a pool, and Maddy got my money's worth.

She went to a Cardinals game with her softball team:

She went to New York and appeared on The Today Show, but before her national television debut, managed to take in a few sights around town:

The terrace at our hotel, overlooking Radio City Music Hall

The Bull at Wall Street

She got a mocha from Starbucks on her way to the Staten Island Ferry - just like a native!

We didn't get to the real Statue, but this one was a fun substitute.

She Hearts New York.

Basketball season started, and she played for her class team:

She also made Collinsville's select basketball team, the Junior Kahoks!

Before her first Jr. Kahok game

Action shot

She went to a St. Louis Blues hockey game - a 3-0 shutout - and met Louie.

And most recently, she celebrated Halloween as a deranged doctor:

And now you're up to date!

The Heart of the Matter

2010-11-03T15:36:00.007-05:00

I’ve been having these pains, just under my left, uh, boobucles (rhymes with Hercules – don’t ask, it’s a whole ‘nother blog post). Oh, yes, the pain – it started, oh, I suppose about a week or so ago, pretty much coinciding with the beginning of the Decision Not To Make a Decision week. It was a sharp twinging pain, ranging anywhere from a minor annoyance to a Hey! Sorry To Wake You Up at 2am!

As the week progressed, so did the pain. I chalked it up to stress and anxiety. And once we had our Non-Decision, I figured the pain would subside for another month. I was wrong. It stayed around, and started getting worse. I tried Tums, thinking it was heartburn, but when I would wake up in the morning and have the pain before I ate anything, I quit taking Tums. Besides, that’s like eating fruit-flavored chalk. Bleck.

I felt like hell on Monday. I was tired, even though I’d gone to bed at a decent hour, and slept pretty much the entire night. I just felt “off,” I knew something wasn’t right but I couldn’t exactly pinpoint it, other than the ripping pain I felt every 5-10 minutes. I kept looking down, thinking I was Sigourney Weaver and that Alien was about to poke its head out of my sweater. I wasn’t hungry, and passed up the peanut butter M&Ms my co-worker was trying to give me. I knew then that something was awry.

I went home, made some soup and a grilled cheese, and put on my comfy pants. I couldn’t get comfortable, and the pain was getting really bad, to the point I had to double over. I told Craig that if it was just a bit south, I would swear I was in labor. I couldn’t take a deep breath, I couldn’t sit and I couldn’t lay down.

While Craig took Maddy to basketball practice, I did what I swore I wouldn’t do – I went on WebMD. Yeah, I know, bad idea. After reviewing my symptoms, and managing not to be distracted by the other random symptoms, I decided I had an angina. It made sense – it was exacerbated by stress, and maybe I was so tired and run-down because I wasn’t getting enough oxygen. Ok then, I’ll call the doctor tomorrow.

I woke up Tuesday morning and discovered that Pain had invited a friend to my chest, Pressure. Now I felt like it was trying to push my lungs out of my chest. Fan-frakin-tastic. I was definitely calling the doctor today. I got ready, went to vote (gotta do the civic duty while I’m still breathing), and headed for work. As I was driving in, I ate my breakfast bar and it hurt to chew. Oh great, jaw pain. I remembered reading that on WebMD, it’s a sign of an impending heart attack. Just breathe…oh yeah, that hurts too.

I wait impatiently for 9am, then call the doctor. The nurse takes down my symptoms and says to me, “I’m pretty sure he’s going to tell you to go to the ER, because of the symptoms you’re having and your age.” My age? Kick me while I’m down, why don’tcha? Commence Minor Freak Out Def Con 1.

The nurse calls me back and says that he wants me to have an EKG and since they don’t have that equipment in the office, head to the nearest ER, do not pass go. Commence Minor Freak Out Def Con 2.

I email Craig, he tells me to calm down. Sure. I'll get right on that. I mean, I know I have a tendency to overreact and think the worst, but this really was scaring me. This had been going on for over a week. I’m 42, and heart disease is the number one killer of women my age. And of course it would stand to reason that once I quit smoking, started eating healthier and working out more that I would now die because my body was rejecting the healthy.

I left work and headed home. While en route, I called my dad to get our health history (no heart disease) and so he could talk me out of my tree. He’s good like that. He made me laugh, but I sensed some concern in his voice. And when my dad is concerned, it’s bad. Commence MFODC 3.

I get home, change my clothes, and debate on whether to pee or not. It seems like everything can be diagnosed by either a urine test or a blood test. I decide I better wait – I will later discover that’s the wrong answer.

We get to the ER, and it’s empty. Of course. You know the only way to be seen fast at an ER is to say “chest pain,” or “profusely bleeding.” I don’t even get to jump the line. The nice intake nurse calls me in as a CP, and next thing I know a nurse is putting me in a wheelchair. She says “we’re going to move pretty fast” and I tell her “no rush, I’ve had this pain for a week.” But that’s the protocol when they hear those magic words – move and move quickly. She’s not kidding.

We zip down the hall to the room, I get on the gurney and she tells me to take off my shirt and bra, another one starts sticking little white tabs on me and then she says that Doug will be starting my IV. Oh, hey there Doug, nice to meet you, can you hold my bra? Normally you’d have bought me dinner for this view but ain’t it your lucky day? Well, I don’t say that, but I do warn the crowd that I have a pathological fear of needles and if I pass out not to be surprised, it’s completely unrelated to the condition at hand. As he does his thing, my blood pressure goes from a respectable 120 over whatever to about 85 over 12. Ok, maybe not 12 but it’s pretty darn low, to the point the nurse says, “wow, your lips are white, let’s lay you down for a minute.” Yep, I told you. And to his credit, Doug was pretty good and I really didn’t feel much – it’s just the thought of it makes me feel woozy.

Doug takes some blood, the nurses take a health history (any recent nausea? Aside from the IV, no.), the ER doctor takes his notes, and then I get wheeled down for chest x-rays. After being zapped with radiation, back to the ER room I go. And then I wait. The nurse had explained that they took all the blood and readings to establish a baseline, and in about an hour and half they’ll take more blood and chart readings, and then compare them and see if my heart is giving off Help Me! enzymes and they’re also checking for high blood pressure, cholesterol, CBC and all those other terms you hear them say on Doogie Howser.

Beauty tip – if you are planning to visit the ER, don’t get that OPI Axxium manicure that lasts for two weeks in a dark color, like Lincoln Park After Dark – the fingertip oxygen clippy-reader thing won’t work and it will wind up on your toe, where you will knock it off every time you move your foot and the machines will beep. You’ve been warned.

I ask the nurse if I can go to the bathroom and she says she’ll bring me a bedpan. Wait… what? Apparently because I’m a CP, I’m not supposed to get up and walk around, so bedpan is my option. I decide I’ll hold it. I mean, Craig is sitting RIGHT THERE! Although he reminded me that at home I’ll go with the bathroom door open but that’s because our toilet has its own little closet area and I get claustrophobic in there. And I’m sure he would have left the room but the nurse would have to be there, and I’d get performance anxiety and it’s just not worth it. So, again, if you plan to visit the ER, go to the bathroom prior to being admitted. You’ll thank me.

After a few hours, the ER doc comes back and says I’m not dying of a heart attack. Actually he says there’s no sign of a Cardiac Event. Sounds fancy – is it black tie? He’s giving me a prescription for Nexium because it might be acid reflux, and my regular doc wants me to do a stress test, just to cover all the bases. Now that’s a test I can pass – I’ve got stress to spare.

All kidding aside – I was freaked the hell out. I’m still having the pain but it seems to be subsiding. I’ll start with the Nexium and hopefully it will get better. I’m just glad to know that it’s not a heart attack or any heart disease. That’s not something I want to mess with.

I also have to say the staff at Anderson Hospital in Maryville was amazing – they kept me informed of what was going on, were compassionate and caring, and never made me feel like a dumbass. They even got my inappropriate humor, which I rely on in times of crisis.

So how was your day?

Happy Birthday, Travis

2010-10-29T14:27:00.007-05:00

Thirty-six years ago, my idyllic life was forever altered by the arrival of my newborn brother. For six and a half years I had been the only child and I’m not gonna lie, I enjoyed it. When my mom told me I was going to have a brother or sister, I immediately voted Sister. She could share my room, my clothes, my dolls and I might let her play with my treasured Barbie Townhouse, if she promised not to yank on the elevator too hard and break the string. My dad was getting tired of replacing it every week or so.

I practiced feeding, burping and changing diapers on my dolls. I set up my high chair in the kitchen and fed my doll during dinner. I walked around the driveway with my dolls in the stroller. I rocked my dolls to sleep at night in the crib my dad made for me. Oh, it was going to be unicorns and butterflies to have a sister.

This is what I got.

Darell Travis Foreman. A boy. What. The. Hell? This is not what I asked for. Take it back. Do not want.

But he stayed. So I dealt with it in a mature fashion – I ignored him and carried on with my life as if nothing had changed. But as his room was next to mine and he had a tendency to screech in the middle of the night, it was tough to forget he was there. I do remember one night I woke up and heard him crying. My dad was out of town for work, and my mom was apparently exhausted because Travis cried for a while but I never heard her get up. I finally went to his room and peeked in between the bars of his crib at his little fat red face all puffed up from crying. I patted his back and probably said something soothing like “shut up, you annoying beast.” He settled down once he knew someone had come to save him, even if it was only That Girl Who Ignored Him.

I just remember thinking at that moment, hey, he’s not so bad. He was about 4 or 5 months old, so he was learning to hold up his head and starting to smile. I had noticed that when I would take time out of my busy schedule of Barbies to talk to him, he didn’t just lay there, he actually looked at me. Once he learned to walk and started to talk, I slowly began to realize that he was fun to play with. My favorite game was Put His Favorite Toy On Top Of The Piano And Watch Him Lose His Mind. Or offer him a ride on the canister vacuum cleaner, then yank the hose really hard and throw him off the back. Of course, while my parents were watching, I would read him books or roll a ball to him, but as soon as they turned around, that ball went right for his head. What? It was a Nerf ball, not a softball. I’ve got some compassion, geez.

I wasn’t always mean to him. I let him play with my coveted Dress Up Hat. God, I loved that hat.

And we wrestled. Sometimes I let him win.

As he got older and we wrestled, I would get a little rough with him. My mom would break us up, comfort the little whiner baby, and remind me that some day he would get bigger and probably pay me back. I never believed her, until that fateful day when he was about 5 years old. Somehow he managed to flip me over his back and clonk my head on the wooden arm of the couch. As I rubbed my head, it felt wet, and when I looked at my hand it was bleeding. Holy crap! I looked at Travis and he just grinned at me. Speechless from shock, I went to my mom, showed her my hand, pointed to my head, and waited to be comforted. She said, ”I told you so.” I bet that’s where I got my compassion from. I kid, I kid. Anyway, I guess she did feel sorry for me, because she took me to get my ears pierced later that day, which I had been BEGGING her to do for months. So I guess I owe him for that.

As he grew up, and well, I grew up too, I started to view my brother not as an aggravation but as a friend. Ironically, we became closer when I moved away. When I moved out, he was 12 years old. My roommate *coughBOYFRIENDcough* worked weekends, so on Saturdays I would pick up Travis. I would bring him back to the apartment and we would swim or play tennis. Sometimes we’d go ride go-karts or play miniature golf. I’d take him to the music store and I remember buying him Eddie Grant’s Electric Avenue and the Run DMC cassette where they did the duet with Aerosmith. I’m sure my parents loved hearing Walk This Way 900 times in a row. I took him to Springfield to go shopping for school clothes, and not only did he ask my opinion, he took it!

When he joined the Coast Guard, I was so proud of him. He’s been stationed in South Carolina and Tampa, Florida, and travelled all over the Caribbean, then lived in Panama City and San Diego. He did a year tour in Iraq, and that scared the hell out of me. When he told me he would be moving to Parris Island, Tennessee, when he came home, I was so glad, because he’d be a short road trip away. Sadly, he only got a year in Tennessee and now he’s in Maine.

But no matter where he was in this world, he’d still call me at least once a week. One of those phone calls is chronicled here. If you haven’t read this one, please click over. I’ll wait….

Happy birthday, Travis. I love you and I’m so proud of you, and I’m sorry for making you dress like a girl. I hope you enjoy your birthday present - I put all these pictures in a frame for you.

No Decision - Part Deux

2010-10-28T13:18:00.003-05:00

So if my earlier post seemed a bit abrupt, here's why - it was the only thing I could coherently post at the time. I was angry, hurt, disappointed, seething, heartbroken and, well, pretty pissed off. However, I wasn't surprised. Part of me had a sinking feeling that I wasn't going to get the news I wanted to hear today.

I understand that the Court is not meeting and saying "hey, let's screw with Jessica and Kelli's family again this month. It's fun!!" I know that they are deciding a monumental case that will set a precedent. I know there are myriad points of law that must be checked and re-checked. I know there is a potential for a pretty substantial award. I have a feeling that's probably contributing to the delay. My head tells me this.

However, my heart argues that damn it, we're coming up on three years. We are a month away from Thanksgiving, two months from Christmas and then Kelli's birthday. This time of year is hard enough for us with the added stress of anticipating a decision that may or may not come. When we are offered these slivers of hope in the form of an announcement that the Court "may" issue a decision before a certain date, and then we wait for six weeks, hoping and praying every morning that it might be today, and going to bed every night hoping and praying that it might be tomorrow, and then we arrive at the date, only to be told that no, not today either, that now we have to wait another five weeks and three days until the next time that we "may" have a decision - well, it's hard to not take it personally. Mentally, physicially, emotionally, spirtually - it's taking a toll on us. We're exhausted.

But we will hang in there and wait another five weeks and change, because what else can we do? Absolutely nothing.

To all of you who comment here, in an email to me, on Facebook or on Twitter, and (my favorite) in person - again, thank you so much for your kindness, support, offers of liquor and threats of bodily harm to those who have wronged us. You help us get through this seemingly unending process. We are forever grateful.

PS - Please try to make the memorial blood drive on November 8, or please pass on the information to someone who can. We are trying to make this one our biggest yet!

No Decision

2010-10-28T11:58:00.000-05:00

The Court met but no decision was issued. They meet again on December 6.

48 Hours

2010-10-26T13:53:00.003-05:00

In 48 hours I may or may not hear that the court did or did not issue a decision in our case. Not that they came right out and set a deadline, but at last report back in September the Court Commissioners were scheduled to meet this Thursday and that the Court "may" issue a decision before then.

The other couple who was injured in the crash had their Court hearing yesterday. I'm glad that they are finished with that ordeal, and I'm sorry that they get to join me in the limbo of waiting.

I've said it before, a lot, and I hope that I don't have to say it again. This waiting thing sucks. Especially as it's fast approaching the three-year anniversary. My God. Three years. I have to take a breath when I realize it's been that long.

I'll update on Thursday, regardless of what happens. However, it's probably a safe bet that if we don't hear anything, it may be an anger- and obscenity-laden post.

Day Tripping

2010-10-12T10:09:00.001-05:00

So, you want to know about my trip? Let me tell you – it was a whirlwind and I can’t wait to go back and see everything we missed. We did manage to pack in a lot of sights in our short time but we didn’t get to really experience any of the big attractions, like the Empire State Building or the Statue of Liberty. We saw them but weren’t able to get all up close and personal. We did experience Legoland, M&M World and FAO Schwartz – one guess as to who the tour director was at that time *coughMADDYcough*.

We walked to Times Square Sunday night so we could see the lights, and after our TV obligations on Monday, we walked 5th Avenue to Central Park, then went over to Chinatown, but it was starting to rain, so we headed to lower Manhattan to see the Financial District, Ground Zero, the Bull at Wall Street, Battery Park - I bet we walked for miles on Monday. Then it was off to JFK to wait on a delayed flight back home.

Appearing on The Today Show was surreal – again, it went so fast. We were supposed to meet the producer in the hotel lobby at 7am, but because of the miracle of live TV, he called at 6:40am on the off chance we were ready to go – they moved our segment time. Again. Uh, I’m going to have to say no on that one. We crammed twenty minutes of personal hygiene into ten, and hustled across the street to 30 Rock. Maddy and I went to hair and makeup, then up to the green room (which is actually beige) for our “teaser” shots to be used during the “Coming up next” promotions.

Just before 8:00am, we went to the actual studio, sat on the couch, got miked up and watched the news section of the broadcast. Then the cameras were on us, and our segment began. And then it was over, and we went back to the green room. I wasn’t nervous because I just didn’t have time, it was a dance of “go here,” “sit here,” “now go in here,” “look here,” “don’t look there,” and thanks for coming. In retrospect, I wish I’d had more opportunity to speak – I felt like I only said “yes,” “no,” “that’s correct,” and “thanks.” Still, I am thankful for the opportunity to introduce Jessica and Kelli to a national audience.

After my appearance, I received so many emails and phone calls from other families who have lost loved ones in similar crashes. It’s heartbreaking to hear their stories, and saddens me every time I hear of another family shattered by a senseless death. It also reinforces my drive and commitment of raising awareness and sharing the story of Jessica and Kelli, in hopes of saving lives which would otherwise be lost due to unnecessary police pursuits.

To that end, I will be addressing the Jefferson County, Missouri officers this Thursday. In December, I will be speaking again to the St. Louis County recruits, and the students at SWIC in Belleville. In February I will be on a panel discussing pursuit policy at the Southwestern Illinois Criminal Justice Institute, and also will be travelling to Carson City to speak to the new recruits of the Nevada Department of Public Safety. I was contacted by the head of the Nevada DPS after he saw me on the Today show. I can only hope that this will be the first of many agencies that I will have the chance to talk to about Jessica and Kelli.

Did You Miss Me?

2010-10-07T13:20:00.002-05:00

If you missed my Today Show or Inside Edition appearance, here are links to those stories:

Today Show: http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26184891/vp/39497907#39497907

Inside Edition: http://www.insideedition.com/news/5120/two-teens-killed-by-speeding-cop.aspx

Tune in tomorrow for the recap of my trip. I'm still sorting through emails and photos and catching up from the past week. It's been a whirlwind!

Today

2010-10-01T16:04:00.001-05:00

As I mentioned in a prior post, I will be appearing on the Today Show on Monday, October 4, between 7am and 8am. I’ll be talking about Jessica and Kelli, my work with PursuitSafety and FocusDriven, the changes that have been made since their deaths, the other changes we’d like to see made in the future, and the fundraisers and blood drives and scholarships and whatever else they decide to discuss.

How did this happen, you ask? Well, I’ll tell you: On Tuesday afternoon around 3:30pm, NBC contacted my attorney, who passed on the information to me. After approximately 900 phone calls, emails, text messages and voice mails, by Wednesday at 11:30am we had finalized my appearance date and time. By 11:45 I was at the mall buying a new outfit. Contrary to popular belief I did not buy new shoes. However, I have a fantastic pair that I barely wore last year.

Am I excited? Hell yes! Am I nervous? Hell yes! I have to be articulate, clear, concise, and make sure I don’t snort, swear, or pass out from fright. Oh, did I mention I’ll be in the studio at 30 Rock in New York City? This is live TV, people. There is no option for “hang on, can I repeat that?” I promise to try my best not to embarrass myself or others.

I have never been to New York City, and although we’ll only be there a short time, we hope to get in some sightseeing while we’re there. Our hotel is near 5th Avenue and I may pass out from shopping overload.

Fashion aside, I am thrilled beyond words to have an opportunity to take this story to a national audience. The chance to introduce Jessica and Kelli to millions of people is overwhelming but also way overdue. Ever since I started my advocacy work, I have wanted to tell the US about what happened to them in hopes that somewhere, someone takes a moment and rethinks their decisions behind the wheel. Even if we save only one life, that’s one family that won’t have to experience the pain, agony, shock and disbelief that we feel, and continue to feel, every day.

So if you can tune in between 7am and 8am on Monday on NBC, please do, or set your DVRs if you have to do that work thing.

Sliding Doors (Or How Not to Act on Live TV)

2010-09-29T13:24:00.005-05:00

Last Sunday was our one-year wedding anniversary. I can't believe it's been a year already. In retrospect, we've been pretty busy the past 365 days, which has made the time fly by, but at other times I think really? It's only been a few months since that happened? Seems like a lifetime ago.

Tradition dictates the gift for a one year anniversary is paper, so I decided to get Craig a book he's been wanting to read. There is a Border's near my office, so I decided to pop over at lunch to pick up his gift.

After I paid, I walked through the foyer and toward the doors, but they didn't open. So, I backed up a few steps and went forward again, but they still wouldn't slide open. I backed up and tried once more, this time I stomped my foot in front of the doors, thinking that the sensor was being wonky.

The clerk noticed my predicament and asked if I was okay. I replied, "No, the doors are broken, they won't open." Another clerk who was setting up a display near the door walked over and PUSHED OPEN THE DOOR. WITH HER HAND. Oh my sweet cracker sandwich the doors are MANUAL! They cannot sense my presence and stand aside for me to pass. Color me humiliated.

I stammer my apology to the clerk, explain my assumption, and she says "Oh, that's okay." I'm sure she silently added "idiot," "dumbass," "dingbat," or something along those lines. I don't blame her, I would have too. Hell, I'd be laughing my head off.

I calmly walk to my car and drive just out of sight of the non-automatic doors, then park and start giggling, then laughing, then crying while laughing. Seriously, how do I make it through the day sometimes without harming myself or others? I am such a dork sometimes.

I really hope I don't do something breathtakingly idiotic on Monday, October 4, when I will be appearing live on The Today Show.

30 Days

2010-09-28T09:20:00.000-05:00

According to this article, we should have a decision on our court case 30 days from today, if not sooner. When I read that, my reaction was “oh really?” I even entered this on my calendar as “court deadline hahahaha!” I’ll believe it when I see it, and I really hate feeling that way.

I’m having an inner struggle lately – my cynicism versus my optimism. Sadly, my past experience with all this court jazz has led me to view these announcements with a raised eyebrow and an expression of distrust. We’ve been here before and oh look! We’re still here. Waiting. We get built up and then we get the legs kicked out from under us. Again. It’s getting harder to get back up each time. The combination of the announcement that they are deciding to decide, and then a week later we get this one about his latest example of arrogance and audacity damn near did me in last week. I had to take a day to just shut myself away from the world and recover my balance.

Maybe it’s going to get worse before it gets better, at least that’s what I tell myself every morning to get out of bed, and every night to get me to sleep. Darkest before the dawn! That which does not kill us makes us stronger! Things happen for a reason! Patience is a virtue! Tomorrow is another day! Better living through vodka! Oh, wait…

I suppose it is a testament to my faith that I still believe, somewhere deep down in my shriveled skeptical heart that it might actually be over in a month. We might be able to finally close that door, and open so many others.

Until then, I keep busy, making my list of things to do When This Is All Over, and I can focus on the next chapter.

TGIF

2010-09-17T11:21:00.003-05:00

It’s Friday.

Lately, I find myself looking forward to Fridays more and more. Not in the same way I used to when Fridays usually signaled the beginning of a “whoo-hoo!” kinda weekend. Now Fridays signal the beginning of a “thank you sweet lord I don’t have to get up at O’Dark Thirty for two days” kinda weekend.

It’s also a reminder that I’ve survived one more week. I struggle through Monday, fight with Tuesday, toil on Wednesday, tussle with Thursday, and finally feel a little relief on Friday.
And, I’m one week closer to the end of this roller coaster ride. At least, that’s what they tell me.
Our latest “day to look forward to” is October 28, or sooner, depending on the Court. I feel like a convict marking off days on a wall. I don’t like that feeling.

I don’t like waking up and my first thought being “how many more days?” I don’t like that it's sucking my will to live like a Flobee on Garth’s head.* I'm trying to push through and not allow it to drag me down, but it's getting harder and harder.

The irony is that I want to start doing things that I used to do back in those happy days three years ago. I actually watched Enchanted a few weeks ago, and didn’t cry. It was a huge step for me. I like that I’m starting to let myself feel good when I think of them and the dumb random stuff we used to do. Because the goofy random memories that pop up when I hear a song or see a movie or a TV show are the ones I used to avoid, and now I welcome them for the happiness they are bringing me again.

Now when I do dumb random stuff, I take a greater joy in it, because maybe someday the people I’m with will recall it and feel some happiness as well.

Case in point: a few weeks ago we were driving home from my dad’s at the Lake of the Ozarks. It was a gorgeous evening so we rolled down the windows and enjoyed the fresh air as we wound our way through the hilly wooded backroads. Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody came on the radio, and if you can resist singing along ala Wayne and Garth, I commend you. I can’t. It really sucks when I’m traffic and it’s on and I have to almost physically restrain myself from doing the headbang. As we were in the middle of nowhere, we cranked it up, sang along and reenacted the movie scene. Maddy even joined in the fun with the “let me go!” part, after trying to be too cool to play along. Oh, those sullen teen days are fast approaching. But for now, she’s still willing to indulge her crazy mom’s antics, for which I am more grateful than she knows.

*I couldn’t find a YouTube clip of the Flobee, but please to enjoy a little Wayne’s World singalong to make your Friday go a little faster. I dare you not to headbang!

You'd Think I'd Be Used To This By Now

2010-09-13T16:04:00.002-05:00

Apparently the judges that comprise the Court of Claims met today. Apparently they decided that four months is not enough time to review the Commissioner's recommendation, so they have decided that they will meet again on October 28. A decision may or may not be made in the meantime. Here's the article if you'd like to read it.

And as for that October 28 date? Yeah, I'll be holding my breath. We haven't had a guarantee about dates from them so far, so why get one now? They rescheduled our trial dates out several times and then couldn't even wrap up the trial when we rested our case, they needed another 10 days. Thanks for the emotional roller coaster ride, we'd like to get off now.

Forgive my general pissiness about this but damn it, what is the holdup? Why does it take this long to make a decision? Why does it have to be drug out for months, years? Why can't it just be over? I'm trying to move forward, trying to move on, and then I get news like this and it just puts me back to square one.

/end rant

Life Lessons

2010-08-26T11:33:00.002-05:00

A friend lost her father yesterday. He was killed in an accident on their family farm.

I feel so bad for her. I can’t imagine losing my dad. I’ve lost my mom and two of my daughters. I can’t lose my dad. Not ever, if I get my wish. He’s my rock.

I can always call him for advice, even the most random things, like why there is a dead spot in my back yard in a perfect rectangle shape. It wasn’t an alien spaceship – my septic tank lid wasn’t buried far enough and the heat was reflecting off the lid and killing the grass. See, that’s stuff that my dad knows.

He taught me how to convert fractions to decimals with a drill bit conversion chart, how to change a tire, and how to hang wallpaper. Well, the wallpaper was an accident – he was trying to make gravy for our biscuits, and his water/flour ratio was a bit off, so he said we’d use it as wallpaper glue.

There are memories that stick with you your whole life and shape you, even though you don’t know it at the time. This is one of mine.

I still remember that day. It was damp, windy and cold, overcast and gray. He was splitting firewood and I was building a woodpile, stacking it as fast as I could so I could get it done and get inside. As it started to get dark I started to perk up, because I thought that meant we’d be done soon and hey, here’s an idea, let’s go inside and burn the wood and warm up.

For some reason, my dad believed that wood needed to be neatly stacked in a straight line. I personally favored the whole unstructured “just throw it in a pile” approach. I always doubted it made a difference in how it burned, but was smart enough to keep that theory to myself.

He had taught me how to build endcaps by criss-crossing pieces of wood into two square bookends, for lack of a technical term, then stacking the wood between them, fitting the split pieces tightly together so it was sturdy and strong and wouldn’t fall over.

He finally shut off the splitter and I thought hooray! And then he shoved over my woodpile. Apparently in my haste I wasn’t fitting the wood together correctly, and I didn’t build good bookends. And I’m not talking a little 4x4 foot stack, I’m talking at least 20 feet long and 5 feet high. That’s a lot of wood. And now I have to restack it. In the dark. In the cold.

I was pissed. Right then and there I made a Scarlett O’Hara vow that when I grew up I would live in a big city, in a condo, and would never mow grass, pull weeds, lay sod, cut wood, split wood, haul wood, stack wood, burn wood, hell I was going to have electric heat and never have to look at another tree again. As God was my witness I’d never deal with this outdoor crap again!!

I was so mad, I said it out loud. While my dad was standing there. I braced myself for him to lecture me on being lazy and doing it half-assed, and if I’d only taken the time to do the job right in the first place I wouldn’t have to be out here in the dark, etc. etc.

To my surprise he laughed and told me a story about how he made a similar promise when he was about my age, after stooping over in a field all day in the hot West Texas heat picking cotton, and then going home to a house so hot that he and my uncle dragged their mattresses into the yard because it was cooler to sleep outside. He said he vowed that no kids of his would ever be so poor that they had to pick cotton and sleep outside.

He didn’t use the whole parental guilt trip by pointing out just how good I had it, and if he asked me to take a few hours on Saturday to stack wood I should be grateful that I don’t have to do it all the time. While he talked to me, he built my bookends and I stacked the wood in the middle.

When we were done, I waited for him to push it. He just looked at me and said “now try to knock it over.” I shoved it and it wobbled a bit but didn’t topple. He just nodded and said “let’s go eat dinner.”

Looking back, he didn’t just teach me how to stack wood, he gave me a life lesson. He showed me how to build your stack with good support so you can’t be shoved over. He’s my stack support and I can’t be knocked over. A few pieces may fall but I know he’ll help me pick them up. ‘cause he’s my daddy.

What A Way To Start The Day

2010-08-19T10:14:00.003-05:00

This morning on my way to work, I had a pretty big scare. The kind of scare that leaves you with a pounding heart, shaking sweaty hands and the urge to open your door and heave your guts out.

A little background - I travel westbound on Highway 40 in the mornings. Generally traffic isn't too heavy once I cross the bridge. However, there is an occasional slowdown just past the zoo. This morning it was a standstill.

As I'm sitting in traffic listening to KMOX (because I am apparently 80 years old), I hear a siren approaching. Of course at first it's always hard to tell exactly where the siren is in relation to your current location, but then I saw it - behind me. I am in the far left lane in stopped traffic, and although there is a shoulder, albeit a narrow one, there's really nowhere for me to go. There are also still "Construction Ahead" signs that have been laying on the shoulder since this highway was reopened in January - hey MODOT, what's up with that?

I see the ambulance coming toward me pretty quickly, considering traffic is stopped. I put on my blinker, look over my shoulder and start to try to cut over into the next lane of traffic to get out of the way - you know, like you're taught in driver's ed.

Let me take a moment to give a personal message to the stupid self-absorbed woman in the red car on the PHONE WHO WOULD NOT GIVE AN INCH - DO YOU NOT HEAR THE SIREN? DO YOU NOT SEE PEOPLE TRYING TO MERGE RIGHT? MOVE, DAMNIT!!

That's pretty much what I was hollering, although my exact message may have contained a few words that I don't use on this blog because my daughter reads it, although she probably might have already heard me use them a time or two.

So, here I am (and the car behind me as well) straddling the line between the two lanes, trying to get the attention of this driver who will not surrender. The ambulance is coming, I can hear it, I can see it, and I have nowhere to go. I'm simultaneously swearing, praying, and sending a mental message to the ambulance driver that I'm sorry I'm trying to move I am really but this woman won't let me over and please please don't hit me and to the person who is waiting on you I am so sorry please please please God watch over them until the EMTs can get to them because I'm so so so sorry not my fault not my fault MOVE YOU STUPID EFFING WENCH AND HANG UP THE EFFING PHONE OH MY SWEET BABY JEEBUS IN THE CRADLE I AM GOING TO GET HIT....

and the ambulance manages to squeeze between me and the concrete median. In the meantime, like the parting of the Red Sea, the drivers in front of me have heard the siren and have had time to clear out, so the ambulance is able to travel up the left lane with no further encumbrances.

And as I move back over to the left lane, the woman who was on the phone drives alongside me. I look over and her face is like "Oh, wow, did you see that? Where did that come from?"

At that moment, I took the high road so high my nose bled. I didn't flip her off, I didn't mouth obscenities, I just got out of there.

I managed to make it to work without throwing up. My heart stopped racing and I managed to hang onto the steering wheel in spite of my sweating hands.

So, how's your day?

Back To School

2010-08-12T18:06:00.005-05:00

Today my darling daughter embarked upon the adventure known as 6th grade. At what point did she morph from a little chunky monkey who could barely sit up to a tall lithe pre-teen who wears a skirt to school?

I'm having another moment...please enjoy the photograph while I compose myself.

The beatific halo isn't an indication of her angelic tendencies - it is so frakin' humid here that my camera fogged up. But it's a nice effect, no?

To celebrate this momentous day, I took off this afternoon. Maddy and I had lunch, played ski-ball, and went to the movies (we saw Despicable Me - I was pretty impressed!).

I'm enjoying the fact that she still likes to spend time with me. This is probably the last year that I'll be smarter than her. I'm sure as soon as she hits junior high I will become an idiot who knows nothing and has had no life experience that I can share with her. Luckily she'll outgrown that phase right about the time she graduates high school and realizes that she needs me and my co-signature on her student loans.

I love being a parent. It's pretty rewarding, considering all the tears and tantrums we endure - some of which are our own.

I've Missed This

2010-08-10T15:02:00.002-05:00

A few months ago Maddy made the observation that I didn’t like people. When I asked her why she would say that, she told me it was because I didn’t go out with my girlfriends anymore, I was always home, and I wasn’t fun anymore. Oh, and I was also crabby a lot.

So I started thinking about it and realized that she was right. Not that I had become a total homebody but I really didn’t go out with just my girlfriends very often. I used to go out a lot. I bowled, I played darts, I went to hear live bands and went to concerts, met friends for happy hours and baseball games - in retrospect and in all honesty, it probably was a lot more than I should have, and I do regret that I missed out on that time with my kids and family.

I realized that invitations from my friends had dwindled, probably because I had refused them in the past. Not that I blame them – I probably would have stopped asking, too. I also realized it had been a while since I had initiated an invitation to my friends to do something, anything, and I was at fault as well.

I decided to do something about it, and these past couple of weekends put me on the path to making up for lost time.

I started with a road trip to go fetch Maddy from my dad’s. I invited a good friend to tag along – I bribed her with outlet mall shopping and bumper boats. Richelle was quite useful in helping me craft Maddy’s new school wardrobe. We even put together an adorable ensemble with a skirt. A SKIRT! This is huge news, considering Maddy’s summer wardrobe has been slogan t-shirts and soccer shorts. As Maddy came out of the dressing room in her gray buffalo-checked button down over a hunter green cami, denim skirt and gray Chuck Taylor-esque shoes, my heart said “OMG MY LITTLE GIRL IS ALL GROWN UP! SOB!!!” but my mouth said in a most casual tone, “I like it, do you?” and she said yes and returned to the dressing room and then I did a little dance and cried a bit, but pulled myself together before Maddy saw I was being a total embarrassment in the Gap dressing room. I also may have had another moment when she modeled skinny jeans and a dark pink plaid shirt but let’s not tell her, shall we?

We also played tourist and cruised the Bagnell Dam Strip, and we stopped at the arcade to ride bumper cars. These things were antiques – I wouldn’t be surprised if they were the original ones from when the arcade opened. I tried to snap a picture before Maddy went all Grand Theft Auto on me, but was unsuccessful. I did get a picture of her in the bumper boats, and I had a blast chasing her around for payback, after the nice young attendant pushed me off the wall. Twice. What? It’s been a while since I lived there, I’m out of practice!

This child will be legally driving in about 4 years. Wait, what?

This past Saturday, I saw Better Than Ezra at the Pageant with some girlfriends. Back in their heyday there was a gang of us that always tried to catch their show when they were within a 3 hour radius. I also remember why I was thinner back then after dancing through the first few songs, and why I didn’t wear stilettos to the shows. Ah well, it was still a great time, despite the tingling numbness in my feet.

Sunday I went to the movies with my sister in law and another friend, who just recently lost her sister to cancer. She needed to get out of her house and have a good laugh, so we saw The Other Guys (I give it three stars), then went for margaritas and talked about life and death and everything in between. I think I helped her with some hints and tips on how to get through the next few months. And she asked me to help her find shoes for her upcoming wedding – project!!

Finally, last night I had dinner with a couple of pretty cool ladies, drank a couple more margaritas, planned a Labor Day get-together with them, decided to include our respective men and children (just kidding, we planned to invite you all along!), and one of them offered to help coach Maddy on basketball drills. Score! (pun intended)

It felt good to get out and be social again, to laugh and gossip and be snarky and have a cocktail (or seven), see a band, dance like a goofball, and shop until you drop. I already have my plans for my next outing – stay tuned.

God Give Them Strength

2010-08-05T13:21:00.002-05:00

I went to the gym during lunch today. The TVs above the treadmills were tuned to noon news broadcasts of the local channels, which were all running a continuous loop of an overhead shot of a traffic crash on Interstate 44 near St. Louis. The crash involved two school buses, a semi-truck and an SUV.

The buses were carrying fifty 8th grade band members to Six Flags. One bus was on top of the semi-truck, and the other bus had collided with it in the rear. Shoved underneath the bus and truck was a mangled hunk of metal, virtually unrecognizable as a vehicle.

The caption under the shot stated that one person had died, but while I was watching it, it was updated to two fatalities. I prayed that it wouldn’t be more.

All I could think about was the families and friends of those students, and anyone who knew someone travelling that stretch of road today, helplessly watching this coverage, not knowing if their loved ones were alive, injured or dead.

An overwhelming wave of sadness and anger went over me. Sadness for the victims and their families, and anger that the media kept showing over and over the aftermath.

I was lucky, I guess, that I never saw the news coverage the day Jessica and Kelli were killed. As word spread and people were told who had died, so many of them said “I saw that on the news!” I was watching a What Not To Wear marathon and bringing Christmas decorations up from the basement. It took me a while before I’d watch WNTW again. I guess by not watching the local channels, I had five more hours where I believed I’d see them again.

As I continued my workout I suddenly felt the urge to cry. I had to take a few deep breaths and I knew I had to stop watching that screen. I tried focusing on the wall, the ESPN coverage of Brett Farve’s latest “will he or won’t he show up for training camp” drama, the digital counter of my treadmill. Nothing worked, my eyes kept going back to that TV and I kept feeling that punch to the gut and pressure in my chest that I felt almost three years ago.

I decided to stop the treadmill and just go in the bathroom and cry and get it over with, but then I found myself increasing the speed and finding my favorite running song, cranking up the volume and channeling that emotion into my running. I ran harder, faster and longer than I have in a while, and damn it felt good, to channel that emotion into something positive, something productive and worthwhile.

As I write this, the latest update is that the none of the students were killed, although many were injured, and that preliminary reports indicate the SUV blew a tire, and the fatalities were in that vehicle. Some of the injured were being airlifted to the hospital near my office, which I passed on my way back to work. I saw the news media trucks in the parking lot and two helicopters circling the helipad. I sent up a prayer for all involved, that God would give them strength.

Why I Didn't Want to Have Boys

2010-07-22T15:50:00.002-05:00

The following phone conversation took place between a good friend of mine and her son. No names were changed to protect the guilty.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Matt: Mom, I just ran a toll booth somewhere and it needs to be paid within 7 days or I get a fine.

Mom: Where are you?

Matt: I don't know, somewhere between Normal and Buffalo Grove, Illinois.

Mom: What highway are you on?

Matt: Not sure, turned off a little while ago onto another highway.

Mom: And what highway might that be?

Matt: I don't know. Hey, Tom, where are we?

Tom: I don't know, I think at some point we were on 355.

Mom: What's the mile marker number?

Matt: I saw 28 somewhere a while back.

Mom: Are you exiting the highway soon?

Matt: I guess so. The sign says the road ends in 2 miles. Guess I'll find out.

Mom: So how do you know you will get a fine?

Matt: 'Cos the sign said so and there are cameras.

Mom: What else did the sign say.

Matt: What I told you, have to pay it in 7 days.

Mom: How much?

Matt: I don't know, maybe $1.00. (*It was $2.00)

Mom: What's the website?

Matt: Don't know that either.

Mom: What's your plate number?

Matt: Can't remember all the numbers.

Mom: Pull over and find out!

Matt: Can't pull over on this road.

Mom: Look at your registration.

Matt: Tom, look in the glove compartment and read me the plate number off the registration?

Tom: Where?

Matt: GLOVE COMPARTMENT!

Mom: How the hell can you miss a toll booth?!?!?

Matt: There was a lot of construction and I was confused. You know we don't have toll booths in St. Louis. Did I tell you no one would serve me at a bar last night cos I had a shirt on that said "I Hate The Cubs?" People were coming up to me saying they didn't like my shirt. Should be fun up here this weekend since I'm still wearing the shirt!

Matt: Here Tom, tell my mom the plate number. (Tom reads the plate number).

Mom: Let me talk to Matt again.

Mom: I am tracking you right now on the Sprint Family Locator.

Matt: Ok thanks, where am I? I'll pay you back when I get home.

Mom: What time was it when you went through the booth.

Matt: A while back.

Mom: Was there a live person at the booth or was it a coin box?

Matt: Live person.

Mom: Did he yell at you to stop?

Matt: I don't know, I was trying to figure out the highway.

Mom: Please don't do anything else stupid for the rest of the week.

Matt: Did you know my buddy got a speeding ticket from one of those planes that fly watching for speeders? You were right, they really do that!!!

Mom: Matt! Did you get a speeding ticket?

Matt: No, you know I can't speed. I'm on court supervision for speeding for 30 days, remember?

Mom: MATT!!!

Matt: Don't worry, I'll have fun. Thanks mom! Bye!

Ice Cream in Heaven

2010-07-20T11:25:00.002-05:00

My in-laws had to put their dog to sleep this morning. She was a beautiful black cocker spaniel that they raised from a puppy. Her name was Maddy. When we would visit their house for dinner, my MIL would tease my daughter, Maddy, by calling her to dinner like she would call her dog, Maddy. Sometimes she would pet my Maddy on her head, too, and she would bark or whine. It got confusing sometimes when someone was talking to the dog and the kid would answer.

I remember one of the first dinners I had at their house. We were having ice cream and brownies for dinner, and my MIL put a small bowl on the floor next to the table. When I asked "did you just give the dog some dessert?" she replied, "yes, ice cream is her favorite." Of course it is, how silly of me.

It's a hard decision to put down a pet. You're losing a member of your family. Their house won't be the same without hearing the click of her nails across their wood floors, or setting down a bowl of ice cream for her after dinner.

Today when I heard she was gone, I looked at my picture of my girls. Kelli loved her ice cream, too. I asked her to find Maddy and play with her, and share her ice cream with her. When I told my MIL and SIL I had asked Kelli to take care of her, they said they felt better, knowing someone in Heaven would love her and feed her until they could see her again.

An Update

2010-07-13T10:00:00.000-05:00

At certain points in the day, time seems to move at the speed of molasses in January. This usually happens around 10:30am, just when my breakfast is wearing off and it’s too early for lunch, and again at 2:30pm, when 5pm seems an eternity away. Conversely, the hours between 11pm and 6:30am seem to fly by. I think Time skips an hour or two while I’m sleeping, because my alarm seems to go off earlier and earlier every day.

My life seems to be ruled by time lately. Every Monday is another mark on my mental prison wall, marking the weeks that have passed since the closing arguments. We did receive some promising news last week – the commissioner’s report and recommendation was delivered to the judges on June 30th. Now the judges have to review it, and 4 of the 7 need to agree on it. Again, we have no deadline, no time frame, no ETA for this decision. However, we know that it is progressing. That helps.

Summer is almost over for Maddy – she starts school in a month. I remember starting school after Labor Day and being done by Memorial Day. It seems like she goes back to school earlier each year. When I told her today she only had a month left of her summer, she said “do I have to go back? I know enough now to survive.” Oh honey, do we ever really know that much?

My grand plans for shaking up my life that I alluded to in my last post? Yeah, they didn’t work out. I had an opportunity to trade my 45+ minute commute for one that would be less than 10 minutes, but I also would have taken a huge pay cut. As much as I hate the time I waste sitting in traffic and driving every day, we can’t manage without my current salary. So I’ll stay for now and keep looking in the meantime.

I’m not doing a fundraiser this year and I feel horrible about it. I was hoping that the fundraiser could also be a celebration of sorts, to mark the final end of the court proceedings, but so far it doesn’t look like we’ll be able to do that this summer. Perhaps this fall, but I’m not holding my breath.

I quit walking for a month and my once-a-month chocolate cravings became once-a-day cravings. I told myself that it was okay to have a Kit Kat every day if I took the stairs, right? Well, one flight of stairs does not undo the damage, let me tell you. Last week I stepped on the scale and saw a number that I haven’t seen since I was pregnant. And not early pregnancy either, we’re talking third trimester. If that’s not a wake-up call, I don’t know what is. So, we got our treadmill fixed and I’ve been running on it at night. It really makes a difference in my self-esteem. Two pounds are gone already, and hopefully many more will follow.

So, now you’re up to date and I’ll try to be better about writing. I was looking back at my blogs from the last six months, and I notice that I’m not finding the humor in things like I used to. I’m losing my ability to laugh at myself and the situation, and I know that’s taking it’s toll on my well-being.

All We Need Is Just a Little Patience

2010-06-25T10:19:00.003-05:00

When God was handing out patience, I didn't get any because just couldn't wait. I have no patience, and it's getting worse as I'm getting older. Superstores *coughWALMARTcough* that have 30 checkout lanes but only 6 open annoy me to no end. Couple that with my bad line karma and I can't win. Seriously, if you gave me a choice of two lines, I will pick the one that the cash register will break down, someone's credit card won't go through, the price is wrong, or the car in front of me at the ATM is refinancing their mortgage. However, I have good parking karma, so I can't complain too much.

But this lack of patience has been quite trying over the last 7 weeks, which will turn over to 8 weeks on Monday. Eight weeks since we wrapped up the girls' trial. Eight weeks since we walked out of the courtroom and were told to wait. Again. My attorney said to try to forget about it, and I know he meant well, but that would be like asking me to forget I ever had Jessica and Kelli. Sorry, it can't be done.

The court has no timeline, no deadline, no schedule. We could get a ruling at any time. Every day I wake up and think, "maybe today." And so far every night I've gone to bed thinking, "maybe tomorrow."

It sucks. No one likes to wait. And in my case, it just gives me time to review and rethink and analyze everything that happened in the courtroom. Should I have done this? Should I have said this? Did I do good by them?

In the meantime, I am trying to distract myself by making some changes in my life, pursuing new and exciting avenues, and guess what? I'm in a holding pattern with those, waiting for a phone call or two that may or may not come today. Talk about your all time backfires.

The thing that makes me smile during all this is the title to this post. I certainly never imagined that Jessica could be put to sleep by Guns and Roses. Who would have belived that the talent behind Welcome to the Jungle could put babies to sleep? So now when I hear that oldie but goodie, I can't help but smile and remember rocking my baby girl, when I could hold her tight and tell her I loved her.

Making A Difference

2010-06-11T11:35:00.003-05:00

People ask me how I manage every day, how I am able to get out of bed and carry on with life. My main motivation has always been to keep Jessica and Kelli's memories alive, to find the positives in this negative situation, and to do good work in their names.

This morning I spoke to a class of recruits attending the St. Louis County Police Academy. These men and women will graduate next Thursday, and begin their careers as law enforcement officers. I was asked by the Chief of Police of St. Louis, Tim Fitch, if I would come and talk to them about what happened to Jessica and Kelli. You can read about these tragedies in a classroom, but sometimes having a personal account can be a more powerful teaching tool.

For the last few weeks I have struggling with what to say. I didn't want to come across as telling them how to do their jobs, but yet I wanted to tell them what happened and hope they remember Jessica and Kelli, and others, when they have to drive at high speeds.

This morning I walked into the classroom, put my cheat sheet on the podium, and began. My only visual aid was a blowup of their last photograph, taken just a couple of hours before they were killed. I didn't fall, I didn't stutter, and I only lost my place once, when my pages stuck together.

After my speech, several of them came up to me. One man, who had two young children, even cried, and said that he would always remember my girls. Another one said that they had just had driver training yesterday, and this really opened his eyes on what could happen. Another simply said "thank you, I know this must be hard for you."

Yes, it's hard to tell that story, but it's also cathartic. If I touched one person, saved just one life, then perhaps my girls didn't die in vain. As I've said before, maybe this is God's master plan for me, and if not, I'm still doing good work.

My speech is below:

Good morning. My name is Kimberly Schlau. I have three daughters: Jessica, Kelli and Madelyn.

My daughter, Jessica, was 18 years old. She had graduated high school and was attending college, as well as working two jobs. She was beautiful, smart, strong, blonde and determined to succeed at life. She wanted to get her degree in business and pursue a career in marketing or PR. She had a large circle of friends and my house was generally filled with laughter and music thumping in her room. Jessica was never shy and always managed to make friends wherever she went.

My daughter, Kelli, was 13 years old, just 39 days shy of her 14th birthday. She was in 8th grade, a cheerleader, and an A student. She too was beautiful, smart, strong, blonde and determined to be a successful veterinarian. She loved animals, and was also an avid proponent of recycling and being green. She too had many friends, and always seemed to be a happy person, smiling and making people laugh.

My daughter, Madelyn, is 11. She also is beautiful, smart, strong, but a redhead. She loves basketball, softball, photography and has a pretty awesome sense of humor.

Jessica and Kelli were killed on November 23, 2007, when an Illinois State Trooper crossed the median at 126 mph and drove through their car, killing them instantly. When they walked out the door that morning, on their way to have this picture taken, I never dreamed it would be the last time I’d see them, or that this would be their last photograph.

Their car was sheared in half. Their bodies were mangled beyond recognition. It took over five hours for the coroner to notify me of their deaths, and even then they weren’t sure who they were, because they asked me if Jessica was driving, and who would have been in the car with her. Their caskets were closed, and they couldn’t even be dressed. All we could do was give the funeral director items to be draped over their bodies. For Jessica, I gave him her prom dress and her boyfriend’s hockey jersey. For Kelli, I gave them her cheerleading uniform and her Jonas Brothers concert shirt.

Their deaths were avoidable.

The former trooper made many decisions in the minutes prior to killing my daughters. He chose to respond to a call that was originally given to another officer. He admitted in court that he did not hear the entire radio transmission, specifically the portion that advised that other first-responders and law enforcement were already on the scene. He chose not to verify that information. He chose to drive at almost twice the posted speed limit in heavy day-after-Thanksgiving traffic. He chose to use his onboard computer to email another officer for directions to the scene of the call while driving over 100 mph. He chose to conduct a personal cell phone call, talking for almost 4 minutes, while driving over 100 mph, weaving in and out of traffic and driving on the shoulder. Cell phone records show that call was terminated just seconds before he killed my daughters. The vehicle’s black box showed full throttle and no brakes before impact.

All this for a call that was secure. Had he arrived at the original accident scene, his only responsibilities would have been to write an accident report and to direct traffic around the scene if necessary.

The trooper testified in court that he felt his actions showed reasonable care. The director of the Illinois State Police testified otherwise. In fact, he called the trooper’s conduct “indefensible”. The community believes that as well. His actions gave good officers a bad name.

Because of his actions and decisions, my daughters are dead, and he now is a convicted felon. He will never again be a police officer, never again be licensed to carry a gun, and as part of his probation, he cannot drive for the next two years. He is also unemployed.

I am not here to tell you how to do your job. I was raised to have the utmost respect for law enforcement and first-responders, and I still do. We, the public, put our trust in you, to keep us safe, to uphold the law. You have chosen a profession in which you are asked to make split-second decisions, including life and death decisions.

I was asked to speak to you today by Chief Fitch, in hopes that hearing a personal account of the circumstances that led to Jessica and Kelli’s deaths will influence how you might handle a similar situation.

In the moments leading up to the impact, the former trooper could have re-evaluated any of his decisions, but he chose not to. I would respectfully ask each of you, to remember this picture of Jessica and Kelli, and the pictures on the sheet in front of you of the other civilians killed, and also the officers who have been killed, and ask yourself, “if my family were on this road, how would I react? Would I continue on this course of action?"

Congratulations on your graduation next week, and good luck and godspeed to all of you.

The Village Idiot Rides Again

2010-06-09T13:33:00.002-05:00

I thought I'd regale you with tales of my latest idiotic moments, so you can feel better about yourself. It's a public service, you're welcome.

Last week I went to the Cardinals game with some girlfriends, and afterward went to a nearby pub for another friend's birthday. We were having a nice time, sitting around one of those tall tables, chatting and having a cocktail to celebrate. My sister-in-law decided she needed to powder her nose, and she asked me to accompany her. As I descended from my tall chair, I managed to smack my head on the support pole behind me, knocking my sunglasses off the top of my head. As I tried keep my glasses from hitting the ground, I managed to kick the stone firepit next to our table and more than likely broke my pinky toe. It still hurts, a week later. The nice young men at the table next to us did ask if I was okay, in between hysterical laughter.

The next day, I was getting my lunch from the deli in our building. As I was walking away from the counter, the heel of my shoe on the uninjured foot decided to turn right while I was turning left, and down I went on my knee. My sandwich flew out of my hand and landed about 10 feet away. I got some distance! Of course, standing behind me is the VP of Legal for my company. He helps me up, asking if I was okay, without laughing! (he may have laughed once I was out of earshot). I said yes, I'm fine, I'll just go over here and pick up my lunch and take my humiliated limping self back to my desk.

I managed to maintain my dignity through the rest of the week, until I went to the grocery store on Sunday afternoon, sans bra. Yep, I took the boys out for a walk completely unleashed. I drove halfway there before I realized I was feeling a bit, unrestricted, shall we say? I only needed to get a couple of things so I said to hell with it, at least I have on a shirt that covers them, and shorts that cover my dairyaire. I've seen people with less on, perhaps I won't stand out as much. No one pointed, laughed or fainted, so I think I was okay.

And finally today, I managed to trespass. There is a patio with a table and chairs on the back side of our building. I never see anyone sitting there, and I thought it would be a nice place to enjoy my lunch. So today I decided to give it a try. I had just sat down and was getting ready to eat, and I hear the door behind me open. This older guy sticks his head out of the door and says "Can I help you?" I said "I work in the building (in case he thought I was homeless or something) and was just going to eat my lunch." He says, kinda snottily, "This is our patio." I apologized, gathered up my lunch, and left. It's not my fault, there wasn't a sign that says "Reserved for Random Unfriendly Company." I'm kind of glad he told me, though, because it was filthy and I was thinking of wiping it off the next time I used it. But now they can do that themselves.

So, there you have my most idiotic moments of the week. Tune in next week to see what I've managed to do to myself or others. No wonder my husband says I need a helmet.

Cake and Gravy

2010-06-04T08:57:00.002-05:00

As I sit here, eating my breakfast of biscuits and gravy, I am reminded of a birthday party we had for Jessica. I think she was 11 or 12, I can’t remember exactly. I do remember that she had a slumber party, and that for breakfast she wanted biscuits and gravy, her favorite. As I set the plates in front of them, she and her friends all dug in except for one girl. She looked up at me with an expression of confusion and said “what is this?” Jessica replied “biscuits and gravy, duh. Haven’t you ever had it?” Much to our surprise, the poor child had never heard of it. As we all stared at her, she took a tentative bite, chewed and then politely asked if I had any cereal. Bless her heart. Jessica was dumbfounded that she’d never had what we deemed the Food of the Gods. It was her comfort food, and her “I should have gone to bed earlier” food, if you know
what I mean.

I remember Jessica’s first birthday party. I decorated our small apartment with balloons and streamers while she napped, and when she woke up the balloons freaked her out. We gave her the obligatory piece of chocolate cake with inch-thick frosting, and she didn’t make too big of a mess. Classy even way back then.

I remember her 16th birthday, which was not as exciting for her as she had previously planned. You see, the month before, she and her friend had this bright idea that they’d “borrow” my car while I wasn’t home, and she was busted big time, grounded for a month, and told she’d have to wait to get her license. She did eventually get her license but not until almost July. Oh, the shame she endured for those few weeks.

I remember her 18th birthday, the last one we had. Her birthday fell on a Monday, and she was mad because the bakery she loved, Kruta’s, was closed on Mondays. I made her a cake, which she appreciated, but I could tell it really wasn’t what she wanted. I told her I’d buy her a and Kruta’s cake on Tuesday, and she cheered up. Spoiled little princess.

But today. Today should have been different. She would have been 21. She had been planning her 21st birthday for a few years. She was so excited that it fell on a Friday. She made all kinds of plans, such as renting a party bus and bar hopping on The Landing, going to the casino in St. Louis, or maybe even going to Las Vegas. We liked to dream big, you see. Whatever we did, it would have included new shoes, of course.

I woke up this morning and knew it was going to hurt today. Hell, it’s hurt all week. It’s so damn unfair that she’s gone, that Kelli’s gone, and that although we will celebrate her birthday today, it will be under the cloud of loss that we live with now.

My Other Gig

2010-05-26T14:21:00.004-05:00

I have another blog that I write for - Girls Guide to the Galaxy. Today's post is about something near and dear to my heart.

Shoes.

Check it out here, or at www.girlsguidetothegalaxy.com.

It Ain't Over Till It's Over

2010-05-11T13:07:00.006-05:00

The civil hearing began on April 19, and we had over 20 witnesses, most of whom testified as to the character of Jessica and Kelli. It was difficult but also strangely uplifting to hear stories and examples of just how kind, compassionate, funny and smart they were, and imagining the amazing women they would have become, given a chance. Their father and I finally had our opportunity to express how our lives, and the lives of our surviving children, have been turned upside down since November 23, 2007.

The State asked for a brief delay (shocking!!), which was granted. Last Monday we finished the testimony portion of the hearing.

One of the State's two witnesses was an economics expert who "valued" my children. Jessica was worth at least $189,000 and Kelli was worth at least $144,000. This is based on their potential earnings, and their projected financial contributions to their father and me during our lifetimes. Note the "at least" disclaimer. The expert at least had the humanity to add that in there.

A friend asked me if that made me want to throw up. Yeah, it did. I've worked with wrongful death cases before, and knew this was coming, and told myself that it was just one of those clinical, detached necessary evils required by the Court. I tried not to take it personally. I failed.

Now the case is in the hands of the hearing officer, who will be making his recommendation to the Board of Commissioners "soon." The Board then reviews his recommendation, and we must have a majority (4 out of the 7) agree with him. Then, it is submitted to the Chief Judge, who can either agree with the Board, or remand it back for additional information, and then we start the process over.

Once the Chief ratifies the decision, the award amount, if any, must be sent to the Illinois State Legislature for appropriation. So it's going to take an act of Congress, so to speak, to finalize this case.

After all that, I needed to get out of town.

We went to Branson this past weekend over Mother's Day, and Maddy had a ball. It was great to see her enjoying herself and being a happy kid again. After much persuasion, she gave Marvel Cave and Fire In The Hole a chance, and I was pretty proud of her. She even admitted that she was glad she did, because now she wants to go to Branson every weekend.

Mother's Day this year was harder on me. Isn't it funny how recent major developments in this case have fallen around yet another holiday or milestone I won't be spending with them? The criminal plea was the day after my birthday; the trial started the Monday after my birthday; and we wrapped up the testimony just before Mother's Day.

As we were coming home on Sunday, I could feel the bad mood and general blah-ness settling over me. I knew what it was and why I felt like hitting someone. Funny how it just didn't help me deal with it any better.

I guess it was harder because we just had the trial and the plea, and I'm trying to mentally bounce back from that ordeal. It's not getting any easier; as a matter of fact, each time it gets a little harder. I'm just about done, people. The fountain from which I draw my strength is sputtering and running dry.

I'm tired. I'm tired of being in limbo. I'm tired of my life being on hold because I wake up every morning thinking "is today the day we will get a decision?" I have no idea when it will come. There is no deadline - it could be days, weeks, or even months.

I try to stay busy with my PursuitSafety work, planning the next blood drive and fundraiser, and trying to tell myself it will all be over soon.

Although the testimony part is done, we are still waiting...again...for a final resolution.

Blue Skies, Smiling At Me

2010-04-30T13:27:00.004-05:00

It's skies like this that reinforce my belief that there is a heaven.

I'll use this sky as my happy place when I'm sitting in court again on Monday.

Stay tuned for updates....

Every Village Has An Idiot - My Village Is Looking For Me

2010-04-29T13:29:00.004-05:00

Hello, my name is Kim and I am an idiot. Here is my story:

*hi Kim!!*

Several weeks ago, my boss asked me to schedule a meeting with some vendors coming in from New York. The vendor and I emailed back and forth regarding dates and times, and finally settled on 10:30am today. I sent the meeting invitatation to them via Outlook, scheduled a conference room, and thought that was that.

Today, around 10:45am, I realized we hadn't heard from them. As I have been out of the office the last couple of weeks, with that trial thing, I asked my boss if the meeting had been cancelled while I was out. She said no, not that she knew.

Being the initiative-taking kinda girl I am, I looked at Lambert's flight schedules from New York - hmmm, all planes from New York arrived on time. I wonder what could be keeping them?

And then I realized - Oh, holy crap...time zone change. I bet you $20 they show up at 11:30.

Apparently, Outlook isn't smart enough to realize that if I, in the Central Time Zone, send a 10:30 meeting request to someone in the Eastern time zone, I mean 10:30 and not 11:30. Conversely, perhaps I am not smart enough to remember that Outlook is stupid and I should tell people Central Time.

Anyway, damn.

To add to the confusion, our department was leaving the office at 11:30 for a belated birthday lunch for me. So, when our vendors showed up, we invited them along.

Hilarity ensues.

~~~~~~Scooby Doo Flashback Time~~~~~~

Earlier in the day, I was asked where I wanted to eat for my birthday. There are two malls both within 10 minutes from my office, both of which have fantastic restaurants and both of which I have been to for other office lunches in the last few months. I said "Hanley's" (at West County Mall across the street) but was picturing Cardwell's (at Plaza Frontenac 10 minutes away).

Brain = fail.

~~~~Back to Present Time~~~~

My boss drove separately, as she had to leave by 12:30 for a previously-scheduled meeting. Other members of the team drove themselves, so I (feeling responsible for the time zone mixup) offered to drive our vendors to lunch. They would soon discover that this was doing them no favors.

I headed to West County Mall, across the street from my office. As I pulled into the parking lot, I thought I was in the wrong place (but not really because that's where they keep Hanley's, but no one else could see I was thinking Cardwell's in my head) and said "oh, I am so sorry, I went to the wrong place." So, we loop around the parking lot, hit the highway and head down to Plaza Frontenac and Cardwell's (which I was picturing as Hanley's.)

Are you with me?

So, as we merge onto Highway 40, we get caught in a funeral procession, and have to pull over.

While we're waiting, the vendors (who were lovely women from New York), and I discuss malls and shoes and the fact that we have to walk through Neiman Marcus to get to the restaurant. Hooray, shopping!

We arrive at Plaza Frontenac, park right by Neiman's front door, and walk through all the fantastic shiny purses and shoes. Pretty!!

As we arrive at the restaurant, I look at the name and think "Oh, shit."

I mentally smack myself for my stupidity. I turn to the ladies (who are most patient and kind) and say, "I am so sorry, we were in the right place before, I had the restaurants confused."

We pile back in the car and head back to West County. I call my boss, tell her we're on our way, and hit the road.

I apologized to the vendors, again. One of the ladies had never been to St. Louis, so I felt a little better knowing I had shown her two great places to shop. As their flight doesn't leave until 7pm, they are excited about going back to Plaza Frontenac. At least something good came of this field trip.

We get to Hanley's, and are greeted by the rest of my department, who have now passed out from hunger because they had to wait 45 minutes for me to show up, with the vendors. My boss has 20 minutes to do this meeting. Good thing she's a pro.

We go around the table, introducing ourselves, and when it gets to me, I say "and thank you so much for attending my my belated birthday lunch which is now probably going to be known as my farewell lunch." Everyone laughed, probably at me.

The vendors gave their presentation, my boss left on time, and I managed to get the vendors back to the office without incident - in fact, we arrived before the rest of the department did. How's that for irony?

So, what have we learned today?

First, make sure you clarify your meeting time when dealing with various time zones, and next time order in the lunch.

Day Two - Not Quite Finished Yet

2010-04-20T22:03:00.002-05:00

Today, after testimony from a few more witnesses, the prosecution (that's my side) finished its case. To everyone who testified for us, I thank you for getting up on that stand and pouring out your heart. My gratitude is immense.

However, the respondent (the State) decided it needs more time to put on its defense - so on May 3rd we'll find out how the State decides to respond to us.

Oh look, another delay. You know, at this point, it's not a surprise to have to wait...again. I guess we've waited almost 2 1/2 years, what's another few weeks? <-- if there was sarcasm font, I totally would have been using it.

Ahem. Anyway.

Here is the news coverage (and comments) of Day Two.

Day One - A Recap

2010-04-19T19:15:00.002-05:00

I wasn't going to post until after the trial, for myriad reasons. However, today's developments deserve to be posted. Luckily the newspaper, and the commenters, can say it better than I can. Read on here

Stay tuned for Day 2...

Case Closed

2010-04-16T16:00:00.001-05:00

Two years, four months, and 24 days ago, my life was irrevocably altered when my daughters, Jessica Elaine Uhl and Kelli Christine Uhl, were killed.

The actions of an Illinois State trooper ended their lives.

Today, he pled guilty to all four felony charges – two reckless homicide charges and two aggravated reckless driving charges. He will be placed on probation for 30 months. If he violates the terms of probation, he will go to jail.

He will more than likely lose his job, and with it, the hefty paycheck he’s been receiving for over two years while on paid leave. He also received pay raises during that time, even though he wasn’t actually working. The State of Illinois has paid him over $158,000 since November 23, 2007, and it is doubtful he'll have to repay it.

In addition, he has already cost the State of Illinois two million dollars in damages stemming from a previous wreck. This was his third wreck.

The wreck that killed my daughters was completely preventable. There was no reason for him to be driving 126mph, weaving in and out of heavy, post-Thanksgiving traffic, driving on the shoulder, all while talking on his cell phone and using his dashboard computer. The accident he was responding to was over eleven miles away, and was already being attended to by first responders. There was no fire, until he demolished my daughter’s car.

The criminal case is now closed. We have a conviction.

We are hopeful that this conviction sends a message not only to all first responders and law enforcement officers, but to all drivers: Please slow down, pay attention, put down the phone and drive safely.

Now we go to trial on Monday for the civil case.

Here's Your Sign

2010-04-13T09:26:00.005-05:00

Back in January, we had some tough decisions to make regarding our court cases. I struggled with the decision all day, not knowing if I was doing the right thing.

I left work that day, still not convinced. As I drove home, I talked to Jessica and Kelli, trying to explain to them, and to myself, that although it wasn’t the ideal outcome, it was accomplishing the majority of what we wanted to see happen. I argued both sides, trying to look at it from all the angles. Whether I was trying to convince them or myself, I’m not sure.

I remember saying that I wished there was some way I could know if this was the right path.
Traffic wasn’t bad that day, but as I drove alongside other cars, I stopped talking out loud. I didn’t want people to think I’m crazy. I do the same thing when I sing in the car, I stop when I get into traffic. Which sucks sometimes because it’s usually a really good song.

As I passed a maroon Grand Prix, I noticed the license plate said GOD SNT. My first thought was “Jesus drives a Grand Prix?” Then it hit me – GOD SENT.

Later, as I got off at my exit, I stopped behind a car. The license plate said BLSSD.
As I drove on home, I said, okay God, I’m giving You this problem. I trust You and I know You’ll do the right thing.

And what do you know, things wound up being not quite as bad as they seemed that day.

Now we are a week away from the civil hearing and I’m again facing a hard road. I have to tell the court who they were, not just through pictures but through my stories and descriptions. I don’t want to let them down, because this is my only shot.

Yesterday was a hard day for me, because once again all my decisions and plans had to revolve around the delay-ridden justice system. I was feeling crabby and selfish, because I can’t even plan my birthday due to the “what-ifs” that I’ve got to deal with this week.

Again, as I drove home, I talked to Jessica and Kelli. I remembered the surprise birthday party that they planned for me one year. I remembered the handmade cards on notebook paper with crayon birthday cakes.

I flipped around through the radio stations and We Are Family came on. When they sang the line of “have faith in you and the things you do, you won’t go wrong,” I started to cry.

You see, my attorney is putting together a video montage to play for the court. One of the songs
I suggested be used was We Are Family. We used to dance around the kitchen to it, and Jessica, Kelli and Maddy would drape their arms around each other’s shoulders and sing “I got all my sisters with me.” We joked about their weddings and how they would have all their sisters with them. It has been our closing song at the fundraisers, and last year we played it twice, because once isn’t enough.

After it ended, the next song was crap (which usually happens). I flipped to another radio station and damned if We Are Family didn’t start playing again. As the opening bars played, I looked through my open sunroof up at the blue sunny sky and said “are you trying to tell me something?” This time, I sang it. In traffic. To hell with people thinking I was crazy.

And when I sang “have faith in you and the things you do, you won’t go wrong,” I meant it. I have faith in God and I have faith in me. I have faith in my friends and family that are helping me get through this. I have faith that the justice system will not fail us.

I said, “okay, we can do this.”

And as I was driving along, feeling a little better, I remembered the Grand Prix and smiled. And in about the same place on the highway, I passed a red Jeep with a license plate that said NO RGTS.

NO REGRETS.

I get it, girls. Here’s my sign.

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Big Sister

2010-04-08T09:49:00.003-05:00

As part of my pre-trial preparations, I’ve had to go through pictures of the past 20 years. My attorney decided he wanted to prepare a photo montage of the girls showing their lives. I went a step further, and provided not only pictures, but also personal items, like Jessica’s graduation cap and her acceptance letter to SIUE, Kelli’s cheerleading poms and artwork she drew. I included their funeral visitation books to show that over 1,000 people filed through that funeral home to pay their respects.

As I was going through the pictures, I relived so many days – ones I remembered clearly and ones that made me say “oh yeah, I forgot about that.” I found pictures that made me laugh, ones that hurt my heart, and ones that made me cry.

One of my favorite stories stems from this: Maddy was getting ready to start kindergarten, and Kelli was getting ready to start intermediate school (5th and 6th grade). Maddy would be attending the same school that Kelli had for the past three years. It was a small school, with only one class per grade, so everyone knew each other.

Maddy was nervous about starting school, and Kelli was nervous about attending her new school. She would be leaving a familiar place where she knew everyone to attend a larger school where she wouldn’t know most of the kids in her class.

Their daycare provider, Becky, arranged for a tour of the schools. They started at the elementary school, where Kelli played big sister to Maddy and showed her the kindergarten class room, the lunch room , the play are where she would have recess, and the office. Kelli told Maddy that the secretary, Ms. Jayne, was nice but she better only go to the office if the teacher sent her, otherwise she better not get into trouble. Apparently her advice stuck with Maddy, because she never got sent to the principal's office.

Then they headed to the intermediate center. The elementary school could probably fit into the gym and lunch room of this place, that’s the size difference Kelli was facing. Becky told me later that Kelli was scared, but she wasn’t letting it show. She didn’t want Maddy to be scared.

As they toured the school, empty but for the custodians, the kids decided to run in the halls. Of course, Maddy managed to find a small puddle of water and slipped and fell, getting her behind all wet. She began to cry, not so much hurt but embarrassed. Kelli picked her up, dusted her off, and said “Maddy, don’t cry, Becky will take you for ice cream and you will be fine.”

Although it seems like they fought and screamed and yelled and beat each other ALL THE TIME, they did love each other and did care for one another. As I went through the pictures, I found so many of them where they were hugging each other and smiling. And it wasn’t a smile of “act happy, mom is looking.” It is genuine love and happiness.

Fondue Be Dooby Doo

2010-03-29T09:07:00.002-05:00

After a horrendous week of emotional ups and downs, I was finally feeling a little better on Friday. While discussing dinner and weekend plans with the husband, I decided I wanted cheese. Melty, gooey, hot, delicious cheese. Yeah.

How I, a lover of cheese, retro kitsch and kitchen gadgets, managed to forget to add a fondue pot to our wedding registry is beyond me. However, Target came to my rescue with an electric fondue pot for $30. I then spent close to twice that on ingredients for cheese and chocolate fondue.

I'm still working on my cheese fondue concotion. For the cheese fondue, I simmered a sauvignon blanc, added some garlic, then added shredded emmentaler and gruyere with a shake of nutmeg. The nutmeg did nothing, so I added garlic powder, which improved it a bit. For dipping, I cubed a loaf of french bread, tossed it with melted butter and garlic, and toasted it.

It wasn't bad, I guess I was expecting something with more flavor. I used high-end cheeses and wine, so maybe that was the problem, it was too fancy for my Kraft cheese and low-cost wine palate. If you have a cheese fondue recipe, send it my way. I'm looking forward to trying different recipes.

The chocolate fondue was amazing and received rave reviews. I warmed 1/2 cup fat-free half and half, a tablespoon of butter, two teaspoons of pure vanilla extract until the butter melted and it just started to bubble. Sous-chef Maddy chopped up a 4 oz bar of Ghiradelli 70% cacao, and a 4 oz Ghiradelli milk chocolate bar, and we added those, a little at a time, stirring until they were melted. We dipped pears, oranges, pound cake, and marshmallows. Oh my heavens it was delish. We will probably have the leftovers warmed and poured over pound cake slices for dessert tonight.

Six hours until dinner. Six hours and fifteen minutes until dessert. I hope I make it.

I'm Good. Really. I Promise.

2010-03-23T21:36:00.002-05:00

A wise person once said nothing worth having is easily obtained, or some crap like that. It's been a hard road we have to travel and even though we though we thought we might be close to the end, now we've got a bit of a detour that we have to navigate. It's a slight bump in our path, and it will pay off at the end. We just have to plow on through.

I know I'm being totally cryptic but my bottom line is this - I'm doing okay. I might even be fine.

Thank you for checking on me, whether by blog comment, text message, phone call, Facebook, or IRL hug. I appreciate and love all of you for your support.

Onward we trudge...

Live, Local, Late Breaking

2010-03-18T13:07:00.002-05:00

Good news was received at 11:30 am today. The judge denied the trooper's motion to dismiss. I'm so relieved, I can't even tell you.

Read about it here and here.

So, now we prepare for two trials in April.

Luck and Love

2010-03-17T10:57:00.000-05:00

I am a pessimist. I’ve even been accused of being negative at times. My mantras are “what can go wrong will go wrong,” “when it rains it pours,” and “hello disappointment.” How I managed to raise three well-adjusted daughters with sunny personalities is beyond me. Maybe it’s because kids tend to do the opposite of what their parents do. Whatever the reason, I’m glad they weren’t Negative Nellies like me.

Not to say that I’m perpetually down in the mouth, I’m not. I laugh quite a bit. Although now that I think about it, that might be due in part to my penchant for inappropriate humor. It’s also because sometimes I get to the point where I just have to laugh. When the situation has become just so ludicrous, there’s really no other option. Well, I guess I could cry but that makes my face all red and puffy.

Maddy has a great sense of humor. Like most kids, it’s usually when she’s not trying to be funny. For example, I went in to wake her up this morning. It’s St. Patrick’s Day, and I’m wearing a cream colored suit with a dark pink sweater (snazzy, no?). She opens her eyes, rubs her face and pinches me. “You’re not wearing green.” I ask her “How do you know I’m not wearing green underwear?” She replied, “I fold the laundry and I know you don’t have any, unless you’ve got fungus in your panties.” I had to laugh because I never thought I’d be discussing moldy undergarments at 7am.

I have a husband who makes me laugh, mostly at myself. I have tried to curb my tendency to fly off the handle over stupid things, but lately when I’ve succumbed to the temptation, he’s usually looking. For example, I yelled at the dryer last week. Because appliances can hear you berating them for non-performance, right? Even as I heard myself telling the dryer that I was going to kick it, I was thinking “you know, if the dryer could talk, it would probably say ‘go ahead and kick me, dumbass. Your foot versus my steel body – who will win?’” He came to the door of the laundry room and just looked at me, one eyebrow raised. Again, I had to laugh, because I don’t want to admit I was going all Chuck Norris on the dryer.

I have friends who respond to my panicked emails about court procedures with “You’re overthinking. YOU’RE OVERTHINKING!!”

I have friends who share their moments of breathtaking stupidity with me, knowing that I don’t judge because dude, I’ve probably done it too.

I have friends and family who don’t handle me with kid gloves, who don’t censor their conversations with me to avoid certain subjects, and who share my love of sarcasm and snark.

I am lucky that I have an amazing mix of friends and family, who I love dearly and count on every day, whether they are aware of it or not.

So, on this Kiss Me I’m Irish day, I am thankful for my luck and love. Smooches to you all.

Better Now Than Later

2010-03-05T10:04:00.002-06:00

As you may know, a motion to dismiss was filed by the trooper's attorney last month. The prosecution filed their response earlier this week. Here and here are articles about the responsive motion. The hearing to decide this motion is next Thursday, March 11.

It has been rumored that emergency personnel were already at the accident to which the trooper was responding before he hit Jessica and Kelli. It was said he knew he wasn't needed anywhere from 3-7 minutes prior to hitting them.

The Post-Dispatch reports it was 11:55am when the dispatcher reported the scene was secure.

Five minutes prior to killing them.

I'm trying to prepare for the hearing and the trial, trying to remember all the facts I've been told over the past 2 1/2 years, I look at the pictures, and wrap my mind around all this so I'm not surprised in court. I thought I was doing a damn fine job of keeping it together. Today when I read that article, and it sank in that it was true, that there were other first-responders on the scene, that it didn't have to happen... well, that pretty much showed me that I'm nowhere near ready.

Thankfully for a few minutes, the office was quiet and I had a chance to just sit at my desk and bury my face in my hands. This wave hit me so fast and hard I wouldn't have made it to the bathroom anyway. Better to just sit here and hope people think I'm just frustrated with Excel than to walk through the office bawling my eyes out.

I'm better now. Stronger. Feeling even more resolve to see proper justice done.

Nap Time

2010-03-04T09:45:00.001-06:00

I am in desperate need of a nap right now. The irony is that I haven’t been plagued with insomnia lately. Go figure.

It could be because I’m sick. I’ve been fighting a sore throat and head congestion for over a week. I’d like to be done now with the nose blowing and coughing and feeling like I’m swallowing glass. I’m perpetually cold-my contraband space heater under my desk is going full blast and I’m wondering if I could have my dad rewire it to be even warmer.

It could be because I’m mentally drained right now, and it’s only going to get worse. The last few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster, and my ride may or may not get any easier after next Thursday. Although the judge could decide to “take it under advisement” which is fancy-legal-speak for “I really haven’t decided yet so give me a day or two.” So we would be forced to wait. Again.

I’m looking forward to March 14 like it’s a national holiday. It’s the first day of daylight savings time. It will still be light out when I get home, and not just for 15 minutes. I can get outside and dig in my flower gardens, play basketball with Maddy and take a walk after dinner. All without needing a flashlight.

I know it will be better soon. I just hate this feeling of limbo.

Dime Store Psychology

2010-02-22T11:34:00.004-06:00

If you were in the metro St. Louis area on Saturday, you got a taste of Spring. It was in the upper 50s, abundant sunshine, and clear skies. Of course it was just a tease, because Sunday was cold and rainy, with a forecast of more cold the rest of the week.

The days are getting longer (which is nice when the sun decides to shine). Change is coming, and it's making me antsy. The stores are filled with bright seasonal colors on everything from Easter baskets to outdoor furniture. Soon the grey skies and brown grass will be replaced with bright blues and greens. I, for one, cannot wait.

I guess the anticipation is driving my mood lately. I'm looking around my house and seeing things I want to update. I want to paint our foyer to brighten it up, and replace the boring (but otherwise functional) beige shower curtain. Out with the gloomy and old - in with the shiny and new!

Maybe because I'm an instant-gratification person, and all the other changes aren't getting here fast enough, so putting up a coat of paint will appease my desire for a little while.

Maybe because I know change is coming on other fronts. Events in March and April are going to change the course of my life for better or worse.

Maybe an $18 shower curtain is a band-aid on bigger issues.

Maybe. But it sure is pretty.

A Positive Amid The Negative

2010-02-18T21:55:00.005-06:00

Red Cross blood drive dedicated to Jessica and Kelli will be held on Tuesday, February 23, 2010 from 3pm to 8pm at the KC Hall in Collinsville, IL.

Give blood, give life.

You Just Gotta Laugh

2010-02-18T15:08:00.007-06:00

I found out today that our criminal trial date may be continued to April 26th. You know, because we've been waiting TWO. EFFING. YEARS. What's another 30 days, really? (By the way, the previous line was written using sarcasm font.)

I guess I knew this had to happen, because after my last post, I felt better. I was ready to face the trial and ready to move forward. It never fails that when I come to grips with the situation, the situation changes.

So, what's a girl to do?

All I can do is laugh. And drink. Considering I have no wine on me right now, I'll have to laugh. This picture always makes me smile.

Laugh with me, won't you?

**EDITED TO ADD - check out this gem that was also filed. http://www.bnd.com/breaking_news/story/1138585.html

I Can't Do It Alone

2010-02-16T11:35:00.005-06:00

One of my favorite movies is Chicago. Jessica bought it for me when it came out on DVD. She said "you're gonna love this, Mom." And I did. The story, the dancing, the singing - amazing stuff.

Although my favorite number is Cell Block Tango, I am becoming a bigger fan of I Can't Do It Alone. Because I know the feeling.

The last time I watched it was Thanksgiving night, 2007. Maddy and I got comfy in my bed, put in the DVD, and sent Kelli goofy text messages while she was upstairs getting her hair ready for her dad's family pictures the following day. Around 11pm, Kelli came down to watch Cell Block Tango, her favorite part. I told her that her hair looked nice, and she said thanks, and then she said good night and went upstairs to bed. That was the last time I saw her.

I haven't watched it since. I couldn't. All it did was remind me of that day.

A couple of weekends ago, I watched it again. I was okay. Sure, I thought of Kelli during Cell Block Tango, but it was all good.

After Jessica and Kelli died, I found myself avoiding certain movies, music, books, even stores. Too many memories. Every once in a great while I'd try to stick it out instead of changing the radio station, but crying while driving isn't a good idea.

This year, I knew I needed to start steeling myself against those emotions. The trials are looming and I've got to be strong. These next two months are going to be hell.

I've got an incredible family and numerous friends who will be there with me, whether in person or in spirit. I can't do it alone, and I'm blessed that I don't have to.

An Update (Of Sorts)

2010-02-05T12:49:00.003-06:00

When last we spoke, I alluded to a few things that might or might not be happening that I might or might not be able to discuss. Clear as mud, right?

I can tell you that I am working with FocusDriven, an organization dedicated to saving lives and preventing injuries and deaths caused distracted driving, by eliminating cell phone use while driving. The officer who hit my daughters was on his phone with his girlfriend, emailing on his on-board computer and using his car radio seconds before slamming into their car at 126 mph. Suffice it to say this cause is close to my heart.

I am also still working with Pursuit Safety, an organized dedicated to changing law enforcement policies by imposing speed limits on officers involved in pursuit, and clearly defining situations in which pursuit is necessary. They have added Jessica and Kelli's pictures and story to their marketing and promotional materials.

Finally, I can tell you that we will be going to trial on March 22, 2010 for the criminal charges. He is charged with two counts of reckless homicide and two counts of aggravated reckless driving.

We will be hoping, praying and fighting for the justice and closure we have been waiting on for two years, two months and 13 days (and counting).

She's Got Game (and Heart)

2010-01-29T08:48:00.004-06:00

I am not athletic. I didn't play sports in high school. I enjoy watching sports, such as football and baseball. I like playing golf, but I don't think I have a future in it, unless there's a club-throwing contest involved. I'm like the quote from Grease - "if you can't be an athlete, be an athletic supporter."

Maddy, however, is the opposite. She's played soccer since she was five, softball signups are next month, and this year she has added basketball to her repetoire. My garage resembles a Sports Authority.

We bought her a basketball hoop this summer, and if it's daylight and above 30 degrees, she's shooting hoops. On her first snow day off school, she was happy for no school but sad when she realized that she couldn't play ball because of the snow. Of course when I suggested that she shovel the driveway, suddenly it became too cold outside. Uh huh, too cold to shovel but not to play? Where is your dedication, young lady?!

She tried out for a select team, but didn't make it. She was disappointed, but didn't give up. It just reinforced her determination to make it next year. We signed her up for a league through the local Y, and she's loving it. She works hard on her mad skillz, and has fun while she's doing it. I'm glad she's found a sport that she enjoys.

This year her school is participating in Hoops for Heart, sponsored by the American Heart Association. Students raise money, learn about heart health, and then play a basketball game during school. She is so excited because she loves helping others, and she loves basketball. This year she is raising money in Jessica and Kelli's memory.

If you'd like to support Maddy, you can donate online here. All donations are tax deductible, and appreciated.

Look at that form! That hair!

The Waiting Is The Hardest Part

2010-01-28T14:09:00.005-06:00

Last week's post alluded to some goings-on that I couldn't talk about. Don't get too excited, I still can't talk about it.

My stomach is in knots. I'm slightly nauseated from the anticipation. The only thing keeping me sane is running at night. There's something oddly soothing in the quiet and the dark. I find if I worry all my worries while I run, it takes my mind off the fact that I am running. When I'm done, my body is tired and my mind is less muddled, and I can sleep, at least for a little while.

However, by this time tomorrow I should have news that I can share. And when I do, you'll be the first to know.

*Edited to add - by noon on Wednesday I should have news I can share. Totally unhappy right now about that which I cannot discuss and now cannot discuss for a longer time.

I Could Tell You, But Then I'd Have to Shoot You

2010-01-21T11:19:00.003-06:00

In case you were wondering what's been going on with me lately, due to my sporadic posting, the short answer is "a lot." Some of it I can talk about, and most of it I can't.

I follow other blogs and when the author says things like "lots going on, but can't tell you yet!", the speculation in the comments begins. Let's just get a few of those out of the way:

I'm not quitting my blog
I'm not pregnant
I'm not getting a book deal
I'm not going on The Ellen Show

Of course, if any of those became realities, I'd be thrilled.

I am working on trial preparations. The criminal trial is set for March 22, and the civil trial is set for April 19. I am drafting my victim impact statement - talk about writing for therapy. I can finally say most of the things I've kept to myself for over two years.
I am working with other mothers who have lost children to help them set up fundraisers and scholarships for their children.
I am working with Voices Insisting on Pursuit Safety (www.pursuitsafety.org). Jessica and Kelli's pictures and story are now included in their promotional and marketing materials.
I hope to soon be working with another advocacy group to make some policy changes.
In the meantime, I'm working full-time, cooking, cleaning, enjoying married life and helping Maddy with her homework.

So, now you're up to date, kinda. I can tell you to watch this space around the beginning of February - I should have an update on something I mentioned above.

Wordless Wednesday - Brace Yourself

2010-01-20T09:39:00.004-06:00

If This Were An Actual Emergency...

2010-01-08T10:03:00.006-06:00

Lately, the weather in the Midwest has been harsh. I believe the technical term is "effing cold." When the weather forecast called for a few inches of snow on Wednesday and Thursday, this area was gripped by panic. Twitter and Facebook were abuzz with "Is it snowing yet?" and wondering if your office would close due to the inclement weather.

Because I am an idiot, I attempted to run by the local grocery store on Wednesday night. I didn't need milk, bread or eggs, I just wanted some garlic bread and salad to go with our planned meal of baked ravioli. Big mistake. The snow hadn't started yet, but you could smell the desperation. I couldn't even get through the parking lot, let alone find a spot, so I left. I didn't need salad that bad. When I got home, my darling husband suggested getting takeout from Bandana's BBQ, so I had BBQ Chicken Nachos. Delish!

Anyway, it got me thinking about this penchant we have to stock up on milk, bread and eggs when the forecast calls for snow. Do humans have a genetic predilection for french toast when it snows? Personally, I'd rather have soup and grilled cheese, or meatloaf and mashed potatoes. (Leftover meatloaf sandwiches - mmmmm good).

As there are three more months of winter, I'm making of list of essentials to keep in my pantry in the event of an actual emergency. Interested? Head over to my new project - Cooking Without A Net - to see what I think is important, or add your own suggestions.

One thing that is definitely on the list:

Flawed Logic

2010-01-06T15:57:00.003-06:00

If you had a cleaning service, would you clean your house before they came in to to clean? I don't mean pick up the shoes and hide the pile of junk mail on the counter, I mean clean, like run the vacuum and mop your floor?

Ok, I'll answer it - yes, yes I would. Why? Because I'm afraid my cleaning person would judge me because my carpet is now the color of my greyhound. Never mind that my cleaning person would probably think "why is this idiot wasting money on me when her house is already clean?" See, I'd be judged again. That's why I don't have a cleaning person.

Now that you know how dumb I am, I'll tell you this: I joined the gym near my house in August. I have yet to set foot in it again. We did try to go a few times but it was crowded, and then we got busy and then someone hurt their ankle and then I broke my toe and here we are 4 months later.

However, I have been walking the stairs at work, and in the last week I started running at night in my neighborhood. Yes, it's 8 degrees and I'm running in the street, when I'm paying $15 a month for a nice warm well-lit gym.

My logic behind this flash of brilliance? I'm embarrased to go to the gym until I get in better shape.

Yes, I know - the whole reason for a gym is to get into shape. However, I'm not comfortable going in there with all those strangers laughing and pointing at my faded pink sweats and old t-shirt, or my inability to run for more than 5 minutes without gasping or tripping on the treadmill. It's high school lunchroom all over again.

Yes, I know that no one is looking at me and if they were, I really shouldn't care - I'm there to get healthy and fit, not to impress anyone.

At what point do we actually believe it when we say we don't care what other people think?

2010

2010-01-04T15:16:00.002-06:00

Well, here we are, a new year, a new beginning, a new attitude.

I'm really hoping that 2010 shows me a better time than 2009 did. Not that 2009 was totally rude - there were a few happy moments - but for the most part, it was not very nice. So! Moving onward and upward! Out with the old, in with the new! Shedding the detrius and reveling in a clean slate!

I have a couple of goals this year. I hesitate to call them "resolutions," as they usually don't last. So we'll say "goals". Eupheisms are my friend.

Eupheism No. 1 - "Healthy Lifestyle Choices" (instead of "diet," "exercise," "weight loss," or "put down the cookies.")

I've been working on this since mid-December, with more success than failure, and hopefully I can keep my momentum going. I would like to do Master the Met again and hopefully my walking buddies will join me. Even though I don't work downtown anymore, I'm planning to head to Cahokia Mounds and climb Monk's Mound for training. I have been doing the five flights of stairs in my building twice a day for the past couple of weeks as well. Every little bit helps.

I'm also going to start cooking meals that are healthy, as well as quick and easy. I plan to start a side blog about that venture. I'm still working on the details of that new blog, so stay tuned.

Eupheism No. 2 - "Be Thankful" (instead of "stop being angry/whiny/bitchy/focused on the negative or just plain crabby).

A friend of mine lost her husband in early December, quite suddenly and unexpectedly. She was a great support to me after Jessica and Kelli died. Recently she said she was choosing to rejoice in the time she had with her husband instead of focusing on the time she won't.

I have been struggling to reach this point. I want to be able to let go of my anger and resentment instead of sealing it up in the wound. Her words have given me a renewed sense of hope and a mantra of sorts, something to repeat to myself when I feel like wallowing in my self-pity.

I am going to make an effort to look on the bright side. Instead of complaining about traffic, I'll enjoy the extra few minutes of time away from the office. I will try to say to Maddy and Craig "thank you for doing _____" instead of "why can't anyone around here help me by _________."

It's only two, but those are two big attitude adjustments. I'm telling myself "one day at a time," because that's all I can do. Sure, I can plan a week's worth of dinners, but when traffic is ugly and I get home late and don't feel like cooking dinner at 7:30 so I break out the frozen pizza, I feel like EPIC FAIL and I just throw up my hands and quit. Well, not this time. We'll eat frozen pizza and tomorrow is another day, right?

So, I'm taking baby steps, and making little adjustments here and there, which hopefully will lead to bigger and better things. Just not a bigger butt.

Appliance Lurve

2009-12-17T12:14:00.005-06:00

I admit that I am enamored with certain of my appliances. My Dyson and I are still going strong after two years, the steam carpet cleaner has saved my greyhound from homelessness many times, and I still get a thrill when I cook in my spankin' new stainless steel kitchen, especially when I get to use my Kitchen Aid mixer that was my favoritest Christmas present last year. It is stainless as well, because my beloved cares enough to indulge my matchy-matchy OCD.

I also admit that when I go to a store that carries major appliances, my internal radar takes me directly to the high-efficiency washers and dryers. I approach them with something akin to reverence, lightly passing my fingertips across their gleaming metallic finishes, marveling at the buttons and whistles, opening the doors and ooohing and ahhing and whispering sweet nothings and promising one day we will be together, oh yes, we will. I have actually hugged them goodbye, much to the chagrin of my shopping companions.

When we moved last year, I lobbied for a new washer and dryer. The set I owned was staying at my rental house, and husband's set, although lovely, wasn't Shiny and Steam Powered and didn't sit on a pedestal. I was vetoed.

After moving in and realizing the reason the dryer takes FOREVER to dry clothes is because we have 1.3 miles of dryer vent, I lobbied again, and I was still vetoed. "A new dryer won't solve the problem," he says. Sure, he's right and all but what fun is that?

Today I received a call from my current tenant that the dryer isn't heating up. Of course, because the new tenants will be moving in at the end of the month. The washer and dryer are probably 20 years old. They are Kenmore, made back when Sears made applicances you could count on for decades. We have had (knock wood) one repair on the washer probably 10 years ago, and replaced the heating coil on the dryer about 5 years ago. Otherwise, they run like champs. Damn it.

As my tenant was telling me about the dryer, my mind immediately began scheming to move the husband's washer and dryer to the rental house and then we could get this new set. In my mind, I could already see the set ensconced in my laundry room, washing and drying our clothes with maximum energy efficiency, while choirs of angels sang and a soft beatific glow emanated from our fluffly towels.

Wake up and smell the fabric softener - it ain't gonna happen. A - we don't have that kind of money laying around and B - there is a distinct possibility that if we empty the lint trap and replace the heat coil on the dryer, we're back in business. Damn it.

I also seem to remember that my incoming tenants have their own set, so I won't have to fix it right now anyway. Damn it.

Until then, I will have to settle for ocassional visits at my local retailer. So next time you're at Sears and you see me embracing a dryer, just do like my family does and act like you don't know me. It won't hurt my feelings.

Let's Play a Game

2009-12-11T10:17:00.002-06:00

My office building is hosting a toy drive for Toys for Tots. The toys are being displayed in the window of the office across my mine, so when I walk through the lobby, I can see them. Among the donations of puzzles, Crayola art sets and toy trucks are board games, like Candy Land and Yahtzee.

I love board games. When I was a kid, if I told my mom I wanted a game for Christmas, I got a game - you know, a cardboard gameboard that folded in half, or quarters if it was a fancy game, dice, cards, and always little pieces we'd surely lose before Christmas day was over. Nowadays, if a kid asks for a game, it probably involves a computer or TV.

I still have my original Candy Land game somewhere, although the box is MIA and a few cards might be missing. It is a great game for little kids who can't read - just match the colors. I used to play with my little brother all the time. We'd always hope the next card we drew was the one that took you up to the Ice Cream Sea, and pray we'd never get stuck in the Molasses Swamp.

My mom used to play Yahtzee with me. She would put a kleenex in the bottom of the cup so it wouldn't make so much noise. It never failed though - I try and try to get the Large Straight filled in, and finally, just after I'd decide to give up put my total in the Chance slot, sure enough, I'd roll a large straight on the next turn.

When Trivial Pursuit came out, I was in heaven. I have so many random facts rolling around in my head, this was finally an opportunity to play a game that required knowledge and skill, and not just a random roll of the dice. I would usually win, and then people stopped playing with me. So I amused myself by reading the questions on the front, then flipping the card over and seeing if I got any right. Yes, I was a sad lonely child, why do you ask?

I think one of my favorites has to be Sorry. My brother and I would play that for hours, laughing manically when we'd send the other back to Start. My brother would take great pleasure in sliding my piece right off the board, and sometimes right off the dining room table. I swear while I was retrieiving the piece off the floor he was moving his closer to Home.

Lately I've seen TV commercials for family game nights, and I think that's a great idea. Whether you win or lose, it's not about the outcome but the memories you make.

You're Never Too Old to Believe

2009-12-07T14:57:00.002-06:00

(A conversation between Maddy and I, last night at Sears Hardware):

Mom: Hey Mad, they have a Santa here. Want your picture taken?

Maddy: (Shoots me look of disbelief and derision) Seriously?

Mom: Oh, come on. Why not?

Maddy: Mom. Please. I am not five.

Mom: Hey, you never know. He might be the real one.

Maddy: (Again with the look) No.

Mom: (Feeling old and realizing her baby isn't a baby anymore). Okay. Let's go find the allen wrenches for your PaPa.

As we walked by the Santa, he looked, well, bored. Bless his heart, there really aren't a lot of children running around Sears Hardware at 7:00 on a Sunday night. Heck, we wouldn't have been there if I hadn't noticed the sign advertising late hours and "big savings!"

Mom: Maddy, come on. The poor guy is bored out of his mind. At least go talk to him.

Maddy: (Sighing with resignation to the fact that the sooner she does this the sooner I'll stop harassing her). Fiiiiinnnnnne. What should I ask for?

Mom: A power drill and a sliding compound miter saw.

Maddy: (Finally showing signs of excitement) Really! Do you think I'll get them? Those would be COOL!

Mom: Uh, no. Go talk to Santa.

And she did. And she survived. And I stopped harassing her. And Santa had a kid to talk to. It was a win-win all around.

The Pink Tree

2009-12-03T14:48:00.005-06:00

Last year I participated in Collinsville's Festival of Trees. I asked for ornament donations and we decorated a tree in memory of Jessica and Kelli. All the trees were then put up for auction to raise money for the local Miner's Theater. I ended up buying the tree myself last year, as it only had one other bid on it, and well, I wanted it for myelf, especially with all the donated ornaments.

We used it for our Christmas tree, which worked out as we had just moved into our new house, so it saved us some time and effort to set up the artificial tree and decorate it.

This year, I participated again. I did the same pink theme, but I didn't put any of the donated ornaments on it. I only used the pink and silver ones that I bought, along with the pink lights and pink bead garland. I did put two silver rhinestone-studded letters - J and K - right in the middle.

The dinner and auction was held last night. I checked the tree early in the night, and no bids. When I checked an hour later, there were three bids, up to $200. When I did my final check right before the end of the auction, it was up to $250. It finally sold for $265. I was so proud of my tree.

Before we left, I went to the tree and looked at it one last time. It was harder than I thought it would be to let it go. I briefly regretted not buying it, but I think I needed to let it go. If I had been a sentimental fool, I might have rubbed a branch and touched an ornament and whispered "Goodbye tree. We did good." Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. Oh, who am I kidding - I would have hugged it if I could have without knocking it over.

I hope it went to a happy home, where it will be loved and appreciated as a tribute not only to pink and shiny, but to two little girls who loved Christmas and also loved all things pink and shiny.

A Rant

2009-12-02T11:11:00.002-06:00

A recent news story about a couple who left their children in a shopping cart at Wal-Mart so they could shop on black Friday had me shaking my head and asking "what the hell?" The couple said the children would slow them down. Really? This is a reason to abandon your children in a store on the busiest shopping day of the year.

As an aside, it was a nice change of pace that the children were unharmed, as most stories do not have such a happy ending.

Last night we were at our local Kmart store. It was around 8:00 in the evening, and it was starting to get pretty chilly out. As we were getting in our car, Maddy said "Mom, there's a baby in the backseat of that car." I looked in the car window and sure enough, there was indeed a child in the carseat, sound asleep.

I wasn't sure who to call. Should I call 911? Is this an emergency, would the parents be gone before they got there? The fire department is across the street, should we go there?

One thing I did know for sure is that I did not want to be around when the parents came out. Maybe I'm a chicken but as much as I would like to get all over them, you never know how people will react. And quite frankly, if you are callous enough to leave a small child unattended in the back seat of a car in a shopping mall parking lot when it is 40 degrees outside, how are you going to react to me telling you how to parent?

I decided to go back in the store and tell the cashier at the service desk. I gave him the make and model and license plate of the car, told him where it was parked, and he immediately picked up the phone to call the police.

As we left, I kept looking back. I felt bad leaving the child, but had faith that the police would come quickly or at the very least, the driver would return. I still feel that I should have done more.

When Jessica was about 9 months old, I accidentally locked her in the car. While putting her in the car seat, I sat my purse in the floorboard. I hit the door lock, shut the door and said Oh Holy Crap my keys are in there. Of course, I did this in the parking lot of the commissary of an Air Force base. Leaving your kids in the car on base is a serious offense. I ran back to the store, babbling incoherently about keys and babies and needing a phone. I called her dad to come up with the extra key (thank God we lived on base then) and then raced back out the car to talk to her through the window. Luckily it was a mild day and she seemed perfectly content to sit there and wave at me. I just knew a base cop was going to drive by and arrest me for leaving her in the car.

Maddy told me that she routinely looks in car windows, and if she sees a baby seat she makes sure no one has left a child in the car. I'm so proud of her for being so watchful, but also saddens that she feels that she has to do that.

New Traditions

2009-11-25T10:11:00.002-06:00

One of our long-standing Thanksgiving traditions was to drive through the light display at Our Lady of the Snows after dinner. When we started this tradition, Jessica (with some help from me) would read the boards along the way that set out the story of the birth of Jesus. As Kelli got older, she and Jessica would alternate reading, and then our last time through, Maddy was able to read some of them as well. We listen to the Charlie Brown Christmas soundtrack and slowly drive through the display, marveling at the beauty and just enjoying the time together.

We didn't go after our last Thanksgiving together. We had planned to go on Friday.

This year, we'll be out of town after Thanksgiving, and Maddy will be spending the holiday with her dad.

I decided this year, instead of being crabby that yet again one more tradition was ruined, we would try to start a new tradition and go through the light display early. So, we went last night. It didn't quite work out the way we planned.

I never thought I'd say I like it when it's packed, but that's part of the experience. When there are so many cars you have to turn your headlights off and idle through at a speed slower than walking, you have time to look around and see all the displays, and have time to read the boards. As we went through last night, the cars behind us that apparently wanted to go a little faster than we were, so we felt rushed. Poor Maddy was trying to read the signs as we went by, and when she came to the one about the shepherds "making haste" to see the baby Jesus, I thought, how appropriate, as that's what the people behind us are trying to do.

She did get her stuffed sheep at the end of the tour, and she decided to name it "Baaaaxter." Clever, huh?

I think we'll be going back on Sunday night when she gets home, so we can drive slow, enjoy the view, and read the signs without feeling like we have to rush our experience.

Enjoy your holiday with your family and friends.

Thank You

2009-11-23T11:18:00.003-06:00

Thank you to all who came to Applebee's last night.

Thank you to all who have attended our past fundraisers.

Thank you to those of you who have emailed, called, texted and Facebook'ed me today.

Thank you to my friends and family who help me get through every day.

Thank you to the strangers who say "I'm sorry" when they find out who I am.

Thank you. Mere words cannot convey how grateful I am.

Just One Glass

2009-11-13T14:59:00.004-06:00

I stumbled across this on Jezebel. It gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, "I'll just have one glass of wine."

This glass holds an ENTIRE BOTTLE of wine. I guess if you're a red drinker it's okay, but for those of us who like our white a bit chilled, we'd have to drink fast.

I can think of several people on my Christmas list who would enjoy this.

A Good Cause

2009-11-06T12:11:00.002-06:00

On November 17, from 2pm to 7pm, a memorial blood drive will be held at Morrison Hall on the campus of SIUE in Edwardsville. Also, since New Moon opens that Friday, November 20, we are doing a Twilight-themed blood drive - inspired, no? We will have several prizes to be raffled off, all pertaining to All Things Twilight. Sadly, neither Edward or Jacob will be present.

I think my girls would have loved Twilight. I bet Jessica would have been Team Edward, but I'm thinking Kelli might be Team Jacob, given her penchant for animals and nature.

On November 22, to mark the 2-year anniversary of their deaths, Applebee's Restaurant in Collinsville will be donating 20% of your total food bill (excluding alcohol) to The Jessica Uhl Scholarship Fund at SIUE and the Kelli Uhl Scholarship Fund. You can either eat inside or you can use their Carside to Go feature. Please stop by, grab some good food and help us raise some money for their memorial scholarships.

Two years. My God. It still feels like yesterday.

You Should Write a Book

2009-10-30T13:17:00.003-05:00

NaNoWriMo is short for National Novel Writing Month. Your mission, should you accept it, is to write a 50,000 word novel during the month of November. That's 1,666.7 words per day, for those of you keeping score at home.

Some of you may have heard of NaNoBloMo, which is the easier challenge of posting on your blog every day for a month.

I had heard of NaNoBloMo and thought about doing that, but wondered if it was something I would really want to do. Post every day? How hard is that? But I believe in quality over quantity, which is one reason why my posting has been so sporadic lately. I didn't want to post for the sake of posting.

So, I have commited to writing the novel. Ironically, I have had the outline of a story banging around in my head for quite a while, but never could get it out of my head and onto the page, so to speak. This challenge has given me the mental kick in the butt that I needed to tell myself, "Self, we're gonna do this."

I wasn't going to tell anyone until I was done, but then I figured I'd be more apt to finish this challenge if I had people asking me how it was going. So, surprise! I'm writing a book.

The challenge is still open, if you'd like to join me in writing a novel, or just posting every day. Visit the links above to sign up.

This should be interesting, on many levels.

Hello Again

2009-10-27T12:33:00.003-05:00

Hello there. Yes, I know, it's been three weeks since I've posted. That's the longest, I think, that I've gone without writing here.

I don't have any good excuse or reason for not writing. It results from a culmination of a lot of little annoyances rolling up into one great big ball of bleck. You know, like being sick, the fact that it has RAINED damn near EVERY DAY in October (and no, I'm not exaggerating, this is the wettest October on record), and it's getting colder and darkness is coming earlier, and I love my job but hate the hour-long commute, and wah wah wah. See what I mean? It's just sad.

The kicker is that writing is part of my therapy - I feel better after I get it out of me, so to speak. But everytime I'd start something, it would devolve into a pity party or a rant, and I just don't want to be That Blogger Who Whines All The Time. Occasionally, it's okay to let it all out, but this was just getting ridiculous. So I didn't post it. But I did write it. And then I felt a little better.

Anyway. Onward I trudge.

Married life is good. I'm in the process of changing my name and isn't that paperwork fun? Although the Social Security office was pretty painless - I only had to wait about 5 minutes for an employee to do my paperwork. I guarantee the driver's license wait won't be that short. Boys have it so easy - they don't have to change anything.

Maddy is playing basketball on her class team. I'm happy to see her playing a sport that she enjoys and that she's pretty good at, too. She's getting so tall. It seems that over the last few months she's gotten taller and thinner, too. Not that she was fat, but she's starting to look like a teenage girl. Because I'm ready for that phase.

Overall, life is good, if I stop whining long enough to realize that it's really not all that bad.

The Beginning at The End of The Rainbow

2009-10-05T13:57:00.004-05:00

After checking the weather forecast all week and watching the forecast change daily, ranging from a chance of rain ranging anywhere between 30% to 70%, then isolated storms, and then mostly cloudy, I gave up trying to plan and just hoped for the best.

Saturday morning dawned clear, with just a few wispy clouds. I started my day at 6 am and tried to run off my nervous energy. As I returned home I could see some clouds building in the distance but the sky was mostly clear. I held out hope for a good day.

As my bridesmaids began to arrive for hair and makeup, I watched the sky go from clear, to partly cloudy, to gray, and then to black. At noon, it started pouring rain, complete with thunder and lightening. It even knocked the power out briefly, but service was restored after I looked skyward and yelled “Come on!? Can’t I have something go right?!?” Perhaps I was a little tense.

We loaded up the dresses and flowers onto the bus, ducking the drizzle and trying not to ruin our hair. As we got closer, the clouds began to thin out and the sun began to shine. As the sky brightened, so did my mood. Perhaps that was the end of it, and we’d get lucky the rest of the day.

For the next two and a half hours, we had sunshine and blue sky for all our pre-ceremony pictures. However, as I was making my final preparations before my walk down the aisle, I could see a nice big black thunderhead bearing down on us. Maybe it would hold off for about 30 minutes so we could get the ceremony in before it got ugly.

As my dad and I took our places in the processional line, I could see that it wasn’t raining yet, and that the sky still seemed clear. Once we opened the door and started down the aisle, we were greeted with a huge clap of thunder and it began to sprinkle. The sky still seemed mostly clear, so maybe we could give these nice people a wedding, then get inside before they got soaked.

No. Such. Luck. Those of us in the wedding party were up on the rocks under the canopy of trees and were spared most of the deluge. My wedding guests – not so much. A lot of them ran for cover inside, but those who stayed out were soaked.

Our wedding coordinator snagged a big golf umbrella from a guest, and the best man became our valet. I kept looking at Craig and laughing, just because it kept me from crying.

As we took the roses to our mothers, huddled under their umbrellas, I was able to see the remaining wedding guests in all their drowned-rat glory. I felt horrible but what could I do? The one detail that was out of my control was literally out of control.

As we took our places once again in front of the pastor, I looked over Craig’s shoulder to see how the groomsmen were fairing. My brother caught my eye and made an arcing motion with his hands. I shot him a look of “huh?” and he mouthed “rainbow” and pointed behind me.

I turned to look and sure enough –there was a glorious bright rainbow…wait, there were two. Two rainbows stood out clear and gorgeous against the steel gray sky.

The rain let up just in time for us to be introduced as Mr. and Mrs. to the 14 remaining water-logged guests, and make our way back inside. As we passed, people told me that rain on your wedding day was good luck. We should be blessed, then, with the amount of rain we got.

Ironically, our first dance was “I Can See Clearly Now, The Rain Is Gone.” We had chosen that song months prior, as it was the song we danced to the night we were engaged. It wound up being spot-on.

The rest of the evening went off without a hitch. Of course.

I think the two rainbows were Jessica and Kelli’s way of saying hi. I also think the rain was their idea, too, just to make me remember that into each life, some rain must fall. It makes you appreciate the sunshine that much more.

If I'm So Happy, Why Am I Crying?

2009-09-23T08:57:00.003-05:00

For the last couple of weeks, I have been an emotional basket case. I'm weepy by nature anyway, but sappy commercials, sad stories, and even certain music are causing me to cry like a little girl.

Case in point - I was watching Dancing with the Stars last night, and started sobbing when Kelly Osborne ran across the dance floor to hug her dad. And then when I saw Sharon - I lost it. I'm tearing up while I'm writing this. I want to tell me SUCK IT UP YA BIG BABY!

I know that's it's probably all due to this wedding thing coming up this weekend, and the emotional cocktail I've been swimming in is finally catching up to me. (Mmmm, cocktails).

On one hand, I'm all happy and in lurve and looking forward to getting married to a great guy who has been my rock lo these last couple of years. On the other hand, planning a wedding is great fun overall, but my gawd the details can kill your buzz faster than you can say "chocolate fountain" (which we aren't having - white dress + melted chocolate + klutzy bride = dry cleaning nightmare).

And yes, I know, I shouldn't get bogged down in the minutae and but should focus on the big picture. However, certain things must be addressed, like who is sitting where and what are we eating, and we might want to pick a song for the bridal party dance.

Of course, the fact that not only will I be missing some important members of my family doesn't help with the waterworks.

I miss my mom a lot, but lately I've missed even more. She never got to see me get married. Brian and I eloped, and then we told our parents. When we went home to introduce her to her new son-in-law, she told me she had an eye doctor appointment the following week, because her eyes were starting to see double images. She received her MS diagnosis a couple of weeks later.

We didn't have a close relationship when I was a teenager, but after I was married and had Jessica, we began to get close. She told me about her childhood, and how it shaped her and affected her parenting. Having a child of my own, I began to appreciate how hard raising a kid can be. She apologized for her actions, and I apologized for not being a good kid. And then she was gone. Five years after her diagnosis. The MS attacked her brain and never relented.

So on Saturday morning, I will pin her wedding ring inside my dress as my something old, spritz on a little of her signature scent, Chanel No. 5, and walk out with my dad, missing her but knowing that I am the daughter she can finally be proud of.

Breaking News

2009-09-18T11:21:00.004-05:00

The trooper's criminal trial date of November 2, 2009 has been postponed to March 22, 2010.

I'm disappointed that it is being continued, but am trying to take comfort in the fact that it's not continued into April or May, considering the holiday season is fast approaching.

I haven't heard if this will affect the civil trial date of October, but my Magic 8 Ball would probably return the response, "All Signs Point to Yes."

But what can I do about it? Absolutely nothing.

In the meantime, we'll remember the good times.

And, We're Back

2009-09-15T08:25:00.002-05:00

Last week wasn't as bad as I expected. Quite frankly, it was a waste of lipstick. The line of questioning had very little to do with Jessica and Kelli. It was almost as if the deposition was scheduled just so it could be checked off a list. It was very frustrating, and I can't believe I burned a day of vacation for it.

There are some other actions starting to churn, but nothing concrete right now. Again, very frustrating.

So, I move on and look ahead to the near future.

Responsibility and Chocolate

2009-09-08T13:51:00.000-05:00

I am sitting at my desk, staring a piece of chocolate goodness. I haven’t opened the plastic container, but it appears to be a brownie with chocolate frosting, drizzled in white chocolate and topped with crushed Oreos.

I don’t know why I bought it. I don’t want to eat it.

Actually, I do want to eat it, but I know won’t enjoy it. I bought it on an impulse, a fleeting hope that eating it would make me feel better. It might, for a brief few moments. After that, I’ll be beating myself up over it.

I’ve been doing so well with not gorging myself on random food, but being conscious of what I eat and when and why. Craig and I have been walking a lot, and we just joined the gym. I feel better, I’m sleeping well, and I like that I’m seeing results, both physically and emotionally.

I am an emotional eater, but I don’t always overeat. Sometimes I don’t eat at all, or limit my eating to just what I need to get through the day. When I’m nervous, I eat. Right now I’m in overeat mode, and I’m fighting it.

I’m not nervous about the wedding, at least not yet.

Tomorrow I have to convey to an Assistant Attorney General for the State of Illinois how the deaths of my daughters have shattered me. How it has affected every facet of my life.

Tomorrow I have to describe how I have struggled with anger, grief, depression, rage, sadness, emptiness and loneliness, among others. I have to illustrate Jessica and Kelli with words – their personalities, their lives, their impact on the world, and how that world is so diminished now.

I go in there tomorrow to tell this attorney that not only did I lose my daughters, but so did their father. Their siblings lost sisters. Their grandparents lost grandchildren. Family, friends, teachers, employers, community members –I am the representative of everyone who has been changed by their deaths.

I willingly shoulder this responsibility and welcome the opportunity. I know can do this.

It still makes me nervous.

I have to do them proud.